On Wednesday, Donald Trump gave a speech that included an outline of actions he’ll take on his first 100 days as President of the United States. Here, an imagined recreation of his early musings on the subject.
A lot of Important, Amazing people have asked me what I would do on my first 100 days as President of this terrible country, and I always say “We’re gonna win” or something and find someone else to talk to, but Ivanka and all those losers from the RNC say I have to make a list, kind of like those vision boards Melania is always hiding from me, except I found one once and it just had like a million magazine cutouts of the word “RUN” and I made her sleep in the bathtub for a week. I’m tough, I’m the toughest husband, everybody says it.
On my first day as President, I will sit on every bed in the White House to see which is the best bed, with the most tremendous bounce. Whatever bed is best will be my bed, and you can count on it. Then I will call ISIS, and I’ll make my voice real low, like I do in my toughest deals, and I’ll tell them they’re over, they’re gone, that’s it. Then I’ll tell everyone to get out of my house except for Paul Ryan, he can stay, and I’ll have him fight the strongest secret service guy, and if Paul wins he gets to stay in charge of the thing and if he loses then forget it, back to Wyoming, Paul, and I’ll put Jared in charge or something.
I’ll meet with China, and tell China to his face that he has absolutely No respect for us and that things are about to change, big time. When China starts getting mad, I’ll pull back the Oval Office curtain and—boom! Putin’s here in the window, everybody. You wanna go, China? I don’t know if you do, looks like Vladimir’s probably got a sniper on you! I’m not sure what happens next, but I’ll win, and later we’ll all have some wine from Eric’s vineyard and then I’ll watch an episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives and retweet some Nazis.
Time for the trial of Barack Hussein Obama and Crooked Hillary, facing charges of Grand Overreach and Benghazi! They go to jail forever, along with the staff of the Washington Post and everyone who ever wrote a bad word on Trump University, which by now is going to be the only University—we have to do it, there’s no choice, we have to get rid of the universities. Then I’ll ask Hope to show me the nuclear codes, and then I’ll have Mitch McConnell give me a private Massage while he explains to me how a bill becomes a law.
I’ll go to Scotland to check on my golf course. Everyone there will love me, and I will be greeted with a red carpet covered in American Flags and tiny bottles of Scottish Whiskey. Then I’ll go to some other countries, and they’ll love me too.
I guess I’ll let Chris Christie out of the White House dungeon (???), MAYBE, if I feel like it. Then I’ll make Little Marco bring me Chipotle for lunch. Then I’ll abolish the Supreme Court, or put Sarah Palin on the Supreme Court, I haven’t decided.
Obamacare is officially repealed, and my subjects (not sure if right word?) are grateful because it was ruining their lives and only disgusting people need health care. I’ll make it into a holiday, called Trump Repeals Obamacare and Saves the World day, incredible. Then I’ll have SeaWorld install a park in the White House backyard, because it’s a disaster that no U.S. president has ever owned a whale. NEVER. Crazy. I’ll hire the most beautiful women in America as trainers, so I can watch them and the whales at the same time.
At this point I guess everyone will realize that the wall isn’t going to work, so I’ll give a speech saying it’s because it’s only on one border, and then I’ll suggest a wall around the entire country, like a Fortress only Stronger, and then I’ll make R.E.M. come perform after my speech or else they’re going in the SeaWorld tank. Steak dinner with Kim Jong Un.
On day 100, the entire world will know that I am a very special man and president. By now, I’ll have: made the Economy really Strong; sent a bunch of loser scientists to the north pole where it’s so cold that they’ll finally see how “global warming” is a Hoax but joke’s on them, they aren’t coming back; deported everyone who isn’t white; beaten China, Mexico, Canada, and Germany in a war; and convinced Melania to have relations with me in the Lincoln bedroom.
I can’t wait.
Image via Getty, animation by Bobby Finger.