Mitt Romney Has No Hope of Winning the Single Women's Vote

Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney has been awkwardly dancing all over opinion polls since it became clear that he was probably the best that Republican primary voters could do. And while different groups have different levels of regard for the GOP’s candidate for President, one group is adamant in their disdain for him: single women. In fact, part of the reason Obama’s widening his lead in this round of polls is that unmarried ladies prefer the President almost 2 to 1. What’s a Romney to do?

According to the latest Quinnipiac poll, the President currently leads his Republican challenger among likely voters by 3 percentage points — 46% to 43%. But among single people, the gap’s almost comical. Sixty percent of single women say they support the President’s candidacy, and only 31% say they’re Romney supporters. Single men are also totally crushing on Obama, albeit less dramatically — 47% say they’re planning on voting for Obama, and 38% say they favor Romney.

Married people, on the other hand, are totally on Team Romney. More than half of them — 51% — say they’re planning on voting for the Republican, compared to 38% who say they’re Obama supporters.

This “marriage gap” is partially due to the fact that married people tend to be older, richer, and whiter than unmarried people, say pollsters, and if there’s anything old rich white people love, it’s awkward men with conservative haircuts who would fit perfectly in a stock photo of a yacht. Additionally, single people tend to care more about social issues like gay marriage and abortion (yesterday, a challenger at a rally asked Romney why he doesn’t believe that personal liberty extends to gay marriage and abortion, and Romney responded that those were “tender issues,” which, ugh), whereas married people care about low taxes and lawn care and fuck everyone else because I’m smug and married, three things that Romney feels very strongly about. Romney’s also got that whole “bumbling principal on a Disney sitcom” vibe, which doesn’t really resonate with young voters who are just trying to fight for their right to party. To further solidify his status as someone who is weird, but not in a cool, fun way, today Mitt Romney is speaking to the NAACP, which sounds like the most hilarious thing in the entire world. Maybe this time he won’t quote the Baha Men.

Even though single people’s strong preference for President Obama could tip the election away from the GOP, Romney campaign needn’t fret. The election’s still four months away, and there’s still plenty of time to nominate a running mate that will appeal to single women — Channing Tatum wearing glasses, perhaps, or the song “Call Me Maybe” (what do you mean the constitution doesn’t allow politicians to nominate musical compositions for office? Stupid activist court system).

Further, there’s still plenty of time for electoral surprises and bombshells. For example, we haven’t even seen the real Mitt Romney yet. The real Mitt Romney lives inside of a waterfall lair on a remote island, where he spends his days hosting supervillain conventions and remotely controlling his prize invention, the Mittbot 2012.