Miss USA Hopeful Steals Hearts, Identities

There she is, Misdemeanor America.

Shaletta Porterfield was crowned Miss Wisconsin USA last year and hoped to compete for the Miss USA crown, until she was forced to resign over allegations that she “misappropriated identity information.” Identity theft is the flaming baton twirling of 2011.

According to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel,

Porterfield, 26, apparently told police she had faked signatures of three business owners on contracts for advertising with a marketing company Porterfield was working for last summer, the Waunakee Tribune reported. When the businesses were asked to proof ads they hadn’t agreed to buy, or paid for, they got suspicious and called police.

Porterfield says, through her attorney, that she was under a great deal of pressure to meet specific goals and that she resigned in order to avoid embarrassing the pageant. Because beauty pageants, from Toddlers and Tiaras to Such As to Opposite Marriage to Donald Motherfucking Trump, Human Embarrassment, are a tradition steeped in grace, dignity, and progressivism. Literally nothing about beauty pageants is silly and embarrassing. They’re a real paradigm for femininity for the new millennium, a beacon of hope in a world of—- fuck it. I can’t with this.

ID Theft Charges Derail Madison Woman’s Miss USA Bid [Milwaukee Journal Sentinel]