Merry Christmas, This Year Blows

Illustration for article titled Merry Christmas, This Year Blows
Screenshot: Etsy

Thanksgiving is a week and a half away which only means one thing: It’s pre-Christmas time already! Merry pre-holiday season to all of you but especially to the jingle-jolly freaks who are drinking exclusively out of a Starbucks holiday cup until January and putting up mistletoe before the turkeys have even been shot and plucked. Unlike every other holiday this year, Christmas is unshakable, and as we learned from every iteration of The Grinch, uncancelable. But with covid numbers spiking and scientists predicting a second and third wave, Christmas will look a lot different for some families.

To commemorate the little Christmas that could, creators on Etsy have been hard at work toiling to create the perfect ornament that truly captures the oddness that is celebrating a joyful holiday in the face of hundreds of thousands of deaths—just like the first Christmas if you really think about it!

One of the best ornaments that truly harkens to early pandemic months is this toilet paper roll laser-engraved with various quips like “I survived” and “Just roll with it.” Nothing says “hark ye herald angels” like reminding ourselves about the time we went absolutely fucking nuts and hoarded toilet paper for no reason at all. If toilet paper hoarding wasn’t your bag, then there’s also a laser-engraved face mask, because even your tree should be wearing a mask.

Illustration for article titled Merry Christmas, This Year Blows
Screenshot: Etsy

But if you’re a Christmas decoration purist and can’t stand the idea of non-holiday shapes on your tree, Etsy’s got your back with the aptly named Fuckflake. Fuckflake ornaments are exactly what they claim to be: snowflakes filled with fuck, and come in a variety of styles both with and without glitter. I don’t know who invented the Fuckflake but it’s only fair that we find that person and nominate them for some sort of literature prize for inventing what I now believe is the most important word to come out of 2020. A merry fuckflake to all, and to all a good night. 

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chocolate covered raisons d'être

But what about people with no fucks left to give? Who speaks for us?