When clicking a headline about Meghan Markle’s bridal party reveal I was expecting to see names like Quantico star Priyanka Chopra, her bff whose job escapes me Jessica Mulroney, and [DO SOME MINIMAL RESEARCH AND INSERT SUITS STAR HERE], but that is because I am an idiot who forgot that royal weddings are wack as hell, dumb as hell, and filled to the brim with babies—many of whom are miserable throughout the entire ceremony. (Remember this iconic photo from William and Kate’s wedding?) What I’m getting at is that everyone in Meghan’s bridal party is a child.
So without further ado, here is a list of the lucky kids who will be walking the future Queen of England (do not correct me on this one) down the aisle:
- Prince George (4) - Meghan’s future nephew and potential troublemaker.
- Princess Charlotte (3) - Meghan’s future niece and, perhaps, the only child of William and Kate’s who has a shot at being somewhat normal. (Let’s call her the presumed Harry of the group.)
- Florence van Cutsem (3) - Harry’s goddaughter, who is the cousin of the previously mentioned meme girl from Kate and William’s wedding. Her family is very rich and very British.
- Remi Litt (6) and Rylan Litt (7) - Meghan’s goddaughters/NORMALS FROM LOS ANGELES. THEIR MOM IS A BAG DESIGNER.
- Ivy Mulroney (6), Brian Mulroney (7), and John Mulroney (7) - Meghan’s bff’s children, whose grandfather was once the Prime Minister of Canada, which is just about as close to, uh, upper-North American royalty as it gets?
- Miss Zalie Warren (2) - Harry’s goddaughter.
- Jasper Dyer (6) - I don’t know him, but based on the name I assume his parents own like 200 horses.
Isn’t that disappointing? I wanted Meghan’s bridal party photos to look like this:
Here’s Meghan’s half-sister, Samantha, going off on Meghan in what could be one of the final days of her media relevancy:
“She’s not gonna tell me that I can’t speak about my own life or my father’s where it’s a matter of public self defense because the media is disparaging us. I’m not gonna take it. She’s not qualified to suggest that I don’t under any law in this country. This is not Great Britain. I am a Unites States citizen, and that’s all there is to it. She’s way out of her league to tell me I can’t speak...Meg and I do not have a relationship now.
Get that press while you still can, Sam.
- The realtor Property Brother got married and People was obviously given exclusive access. (Also, “Property Babies” is horrifying.) [People]
- Pauley Perrette is grateful for CBS’s support. [Just Jared]
- I can’t imagine being in the same room as this couple. [Us Weekly]
- Blessed image. [Just Jared]
- Cursed image. [Just Jared]