Marianne Williamson Wants the Hexing Witches of TikTok to Dream Bigger Than the Moon

Illustration for article titled Marianne Williamson Wants the Hexing Witches of TikTok to Dream Bigger Than the Moon
Graphic: Joan Summers/Jezebel, Image: YASIN AKGUL/AFP (Getty

Marianne Williamson—one-time presidential hopeful, longtime Neon Genesis Evangelion fan—has now scolded “baby” TikTok witches for hexing the moon while secret police seemingly kidnap protestors in Portland. I’d suggest closing your eyes and letting this information roll over you for a second before I explain what the hell is going on here.

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It’s probably best that we start with the moon, seeing as she’s always up there, hanging over our heads, ruling our thoughts and emotions, her whims influencing the ocean tides. Over the weekend, a Twitter thread went viral in which a self-identified witch rang the internet alarms about “baby witches” on TikTok who had hexed, among other things, the moon.

As said Twitter user explained it, a “group of FRESH baby witches” on WitchTok, or, TikTok for witches, “decided to band together and hex the fae, and then the moon.” The fae, it appears, are a “Celtic-specific” deity who “do not abide by human morals because they are not human”—think faeries without the wings or pixie dust. The punishment for said hex could be a bloodline curse on those who cast it, general “trickery” in their every day lives, or divine cosmic judgment from the Greek pantheon, or the entire basis of modern witch’s spell work falling apart completely, due to the moon’s influence over their craft.

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Before the Twitter thread went viral, witches on WitchTok—a name that explains itself—had already been melting down about the hexes all weekend. Interesting, however, was the ratio of videos I found decrying said hexing, relative to videos of any actual hexing. In my investigation, videos of panicked TikTokers casting counter-hexes on some anonymous teenage witches far outweighed the hexers themselves.

I simply cannot understate how epic the meltdown on WitchTok was this weekend. Thousands of TikToks now populate the #moonhex and #moon topics. A good chunk is comprised of users generally reacting to the news, while others are of witches showing off the effects of said hex. Some even claim the famous god twins Artemis and Apollo are angry, as is evidenced by black smoke emitting from candles, or mold growing on offerings to both. Yet, among the hundreds of videos I clicked through that asked for specifics on who these hex-happy teen witches were, I found very little in the way of actual answers. Just a whole bunch of TikTokers screaming!

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It’s here we arrive at Marianne Williamson, queen of woo, stepping into the witch discourse with both feet. Instead of panicking over the retribution of cosmic deities, Williamson seemed to laugh at how small-time these hexes really are.

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As much as I hate to say it, I agree with Third Eye on this one. Trump declared something approaching martial law in June, when he threatened protesters across the country with “heavily armed soldiers, military personnel, and law enforcement officers.” Now, protesters are being disappeared off the streets in Portland as they fight back against an increasingly armed, unchecked paramilitary force. There are probably more obvious targets in need of hexing than a satellite just minding its own business.

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DISCUSSION

I thought the Moon was ‘she’, not ‘he’?  Or have I been reading too much Sandman?