Mariah Carey, Queen of Christmas, Is Finally Making a Holiday Movie!

God rest ye merry Christmas Lambs, let nothing you dismay; remember Mariah, our savior, is finally putting her favorite holiday on the big screen where she belooooooonnnnnnggggs! And the person fulfilling this destiny is none other than Brett Ratner, her longtime friend and recently-rumored boyfriendo... could there be some mistletoe in her future?! Who cares because CHRIIIISSSTMASSSSSSSS.


Deadline reports:

The project came about when Carey brought an idea to RatPac principal and her pal Brett Ratner for a movie about Christmas. The yuletide season is special for Carey, who wrote and performed "All I Want for Christmas Is You," a 1994 tune that has sold more than 14 million copies globally to become the biggest holiday perennial in recent memory and the biggest international hit of Carey's career.

Of course she floated the idea first; all Lambs know that it is her favorite holiday, and no one could do this better than Mrs. Mariah Carey Claus herself. She has released two Christmas albums, she dresses up in Christmas gear for Halloween, and in 2014, she assisted in the lighting of the Rockefeller tree (an event that was hilariously dismal with the flair and grace only Mariah can provide) and held a Christmas spectacular in New York for a several-night engagement. And as you surely know, one of her biggest hits is "All I Want For Christmas is You," though I prefer the So So Def remix (provided above), which boasts a Miami bass beat complete with vocoder, and a young Lil Bow Wow refuting the idea that Santa exists, the little heathen (you see how he turned out, though, right). Plus, Mimi is the most charismatic person on earth, and her rightful home is on the silver screen. (True Mimi fans know that Glitter was not a failure as is popularly believed but a resounding success, solidifying her rightful place in the canon of campy divas. Never forget.)

I attended the opening night of said Christmas spectacular last December, and o lo, was it ever, replete with Mimi's glamorous, sparkling vision of x-mas cheer. Populated by kid-actors dancing around in reindeer and nutcracker costumes as well as muscular boy-toys who carried her half the time, she ran through holiday standards new and old, dressed in three different gowns made of the most beautiful sequins in the world, bestowing her excellent cheer upon the theater, drunk on cheer and Beacon Cosmos.

One of the best parts was midway through the concert, when Mariah removed one of her shoes for no apparent reason, leaving it in the middle of the stage as she worked the crowd and sang, only to return to it and place it back on her foot a couple of minutes later. She is a woman of such mystery; why does she do such things? Who goddamn knows, but the fact that she can do it while belting out what she does flawlessly is a gift in itself. Thank you, Mariah and Brett, for the best Christmas a girl could ask for.


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well fuck thee gently with a chainsaw

I get the sense that Mariah Carey is the sort of indomitable woman who could attend a huge Christmas party, very publicly get too drunk, seat herself on Santa's lap, tell him she'd been a "very naught girl" and take him home - then somehow play the whole thing off as hilarious.

As opposed to freaking embarrassing even years later. Then again, I'm no elusive chanteuse.