If you saw a video of a wicked witch cackling on a Peloton on Tuesday, it wasn’t a promo for Elphaba’s groundbreaking turn in the Broadway production of Wicked; it was Mariah Carey’s declaring that her most profitable season, Christmas, has begun, much like Punxsutawney Phil has the power to declare it Spring.
I had hardly rolled out of my Halloween costume when I heard that signature Mariah whistle tone singing, “It’s tiiiiiiiiime!” in the wee hours of November 1.
On Tuesday, according to Popcrave, Carey’s iconic Yuletide love song “All I Want For Christmas Is You” made its 2022 debut on the global Spotify chart, landing at #96 with over 1.2 million streams…53 days out from the actual holiday. The song, which debuted in 1994, is nearly 30 years old. But as they say, your 30s are the new 20s, and it seems Carey is more than happy to mine every last ounce of holiday cheer out of her megahit until death do them part.
Technically, Carey started exploiting I mean promoting the Christmas spirit on October 8th with a Christmas-themed Fox Soccer promo. The next day, she followed that cameo up with the announcement of her latest children’s book, The Christmas Princess. Later that month—still the spooky season, might I add—she announced a run of December performances in Toronto and at Madison Square Garden in New York. And given that last year, she created an entire Mariah Menu with McDonald’s, we should expect more promos, products, and toys to come. For Mariah Carey, it seems the entire year is likely spent waiting to deck the internet halls with boughs of Mimi.
Apple MacBook Air Laptop
The M1 chip delivers 3.5x faster performance than the previous generation all while using way less power. Get up to 18 hours of battery life.
I will say, Carey’s team has gotten more and more creative each year, starting earlier and earlier and making sure audiences know that just like Uncle Sam, white nationalists, and constitutional literalists own the Fourth of July, Mimi owns Christmas and the entire back sixth of the yearly calendar. And according to Forbes, that strategy is a winning one: A 2016 study conducted by The Economist said Miss “Butterfly” makes $2.5 million per year off the song alone.
My only wish is that Mimi might let the Jews in on a little of her eternal fountain of Christmas adoration. “All I Want for Hanukkah Is You” has a nice little jingle to it, no?
- Heidi Klum won Halloween in a disturbing worm costume. She then ditched the costume and wore just her worm face with a bedazzled unitard. Dare I say, Klum is bringing sexy back? [E! News]
- Twitter had its panties in a bunch over Lisa Rinna’s husband Harry Hamlin and their daughter Delilah Belle’s “creepy” photo, in which Hamlin appears to be whispering sweet nothings in his daughter’s ear. Turns out, y’all are just a bunch of perverts, and he was just being a supportive dad. [Page Six]
- Justin and Hailey Bieber have a new puppy named Piggy Lou, a perfectly unsettling name for two perfectly unsettling celebrities. [People]
- Adele? No, no, that’s uh-DALE to you. Apparently, we’ve all been saying the singer’s name wrong. Sincere apologies to uh-DALE, we love you uh-DALE. [E! News]
- David Archuleta of vintage American Idol fame is just now realizing the Mormon church is toxic and made it nearly impossible for him to come out as part of the LGBTQ+ community. Good for him. [People]