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Election results are in for ABC’s annual “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest” performance, and they’ve chosen...

Mariah Carey!

I! love! this! tradition!

Mariah Carey, living, breathing woman with less luster and enthusiasm than a dysfunctional animatronic replica of Mariah Carey. Whose song we’ve loved so dear that we’ve had it on repeat for twenty years, and yet didn’t bother to practice when we asked her to sing it. Who shows up at America’s New Year’s party with half a thing of box wine, spills it all over the couch and shrugs “shit happens” without looking up from her phone.

We love her. She is just like us.

Or maybe we want one more opportunity to watch her crash and BURN because America is evil and thirsty for memes, precious memes!

ABC trashed her performance last year, and her decision to blame it on the production team frankly offended Dick Clark productions so much that they called it defamation.

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All confetti under the rug, they’ve agreed in a joint statement:

“We can all agree that last year didn’t go exactly as planned and we are thrilled to move forward together to provide America with an incredible night of music and celebration. See you in Times Square!”

And ABC gifts television with nine more months of talking points.