Illustration: Jim Cooke/GMG Art

It’s another beautiful day in Jezebel’s March Madness: Pre-Apocalypse vs. Post-Apocalypse, where the competition is fierce and death looms ever closer.

Today we’re finishing up Round Two, and what an exciting round it has been, folks! The athleticism, the teamwork I’ve seen—it really brings me to tears. Let’s take a look at the results so far:

Birth Control (1) continues to smash the competition left and right, beating the heck out of Chopped Salads (8) with 92 percent of the vote. Say goodbye to your whale friends, cause Bees (4) took a healthy lead over An Ocean With Fish In It (12), while Pets (11) totally trashed Anti-Depressants (3) with over 80 percent of the vote. 70 Degree Days (2) beat Iced Coffee (7) by a lot, sorry to my java freaks, while Wellness (16) continues to slip through with a huge lead over Postmates (9), a seed that sadly just never had the name recognition. No offense to Jeff Bezos but Indoor Plumbing (12) absolutely tore Alexa (4) apart with 99 percent of the vote, and the battle between Online Shopping (11) and Sephora (3), which I erroneously described as “an impossible choice,” ended in an overwhelming and frankly devastating defeat for Sephora, where I will be making a very short pit stop after work. Finally, Automatic Bill Pay (10) has defeated Tinder (2) with a full 88 percent of the vote, because everyone’s priorities are evidently very much in check.

Onward!


We begin in the Post-Apocalypse Nature Division, where Mad Max Fashion (16) will take on Soylent (9). Which will you choose? Something fun, or something that was explicitly created to be the least amount of fun possible?

Advertisement

Next up, Living on Mars (12) will attempt to take down the formidable Free Bleeding (13). Please keep in mind that living on Mars would absolutely involve free bleeding, and probably also a slow death. Anyway:

Advertisement

Here we go, y’all: Dramatic Sex (11) goes up against Radioactive Glow (i.e. A Natural Highlight) (14). Clinging sensually to your crush as the nuclear blizzard rains doom upon mankind, or achieving the convenience of not needing a flashlight? Vote now:

Wow, a big faceoff here: Solitude (10) takes on Being Stuck With the People Who Weren’t Raptured (2). The ultimate introvert-or-extrovert quiz, eh? Let’s do it:

Advertisement

Moving on to Post-Apocalypse Nurture Division: Donald Trump Somehow Still President (16) is really shooting the moon in their attempt to unseat Unlimited Time Off (9). Hmmmm:

Advertisement

Next, we’ve got Everyone’s a Mole Person (12) vs. Alexa Is Your New Queen (4). Would you rather be a literal monster, or live at the mercy of a computer goddess armed with unlimited nudes? Who could ever make such an impossible choice? In fact, you must:

Nearing the end of Round Two, the Rise of Cults (6) goes up against Rebel Citizen Radio Networks (14). It’s really about what type of community is best for you, right?

Advertisement

Lastly, Road Trips (7) will take on popular contender No More Student Loan Debt (15). This is going to be tough for Road Trips, but then again, who wouldn’t want to take a long drive with friends down California’s Highway 1, listening to tunes, hitting the vape, gazing out at a bubbling purple ocean?

Advertisement

Wow, what a round! What a round. We’re having fun—who doesn’t love to think about the dead ocean, am I correct? Yes! Below is your updated bracket, and we’ll see you back here on Monday!