March Madness Final Four: Are the Bees Gonna Take This Thing?

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Illustration: Jim Cooke/GMG Art

HOLY MAD COW DISEASE, FOLKS, IT’S THE FINAL FOUR! And what a bleak yet engaging ride it has been! We’ve waded through immortal tech billionaires and mole people and the disappearing middle class to get to where we are today, as the strongest seeds face off to determine who will carry the torch to the last fiery battle of pre-apocalypse vs. post-apocalypse.


Yesterday’s results are sure to rock your world, so let’s get to it:

Bees (4) narrowly defeated Pets (11) with 53 percent of the vote, so say goodbye to your dog Buster, who you probably would have had to eat anyway, not to be gross. Taking a more decisive lead, Indoor Plumbing (12) beat Online Shopping (11) with over 96 percent of the vote, because Etsy will never be able to stand up to the specter of hookworm. Dramatic Sex (11) prevailed over Mad Max Fashion (16), because clothing is fun but other stuff is more fun while, in a massive upset, Unlimited Time Off (9) beat No More Student Loan Debt (15) with a healthy lead of over 60 percent of the vote.

Wow!!!! Now, on to today’s vote:

In Pre-Apocalypse, Bees (4) will seek to unseat Indoor Plumbing (12). Who will make it to the final two: agriculture, or sanitation? Nice bugs, or saying goodbye forever to your poo? Eating good food, or not getting giardia? These are the questions we must ask ourselves.

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In Post-Apocalypse, it’s Dramatic Sex (11) vs. Unlimited Time Off (9). A tough, tough, tough choice, my good friends. With dramatic sex, you get to feel like you are in a deleted scene of the video for Ariana Grande’s “One Last Time,” or a deleted scene from worst movie of all time Pompeii, or really any given scene from Game of Thrones; on the other hand, what if you get a UTI?

With unlimited time off, meanwhile, you don’t have to look at a computer ever again or do whatever other shitty thing it is that you do, but you will probably be exerting that energy in other ways, like running away from the end times mafia or murdering a guy who tries to steal food from your family compound. So what do you say?

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We’ll be back tomorrow for our final climactic vote! In the meantime, here’s your updated bracket.

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Aimée Lutkin

I can’t believe people would rather shit indoors than eat food.