March Madness Elite Eight: Dramatic Sex Is Playing to Win

Illustration for article titled March Madness Elite Eight: Dramatic Sex Is Playing to Win
Illustration: Jim Cooke/GMG Art

Well hello! We’re back with Jezebel’s March Madness: Pre-Apocalypse vs. Post-Apocalypse, and guess what, things are grim as heck but we’re having a really nice time.

First, the winners and losers:

Get your out your nipple clamps and dust storm goggles, ‘cause Mad Max Fashion (16) just trounced Living on Mars (12) with 69 (nice) percent of the vote. In quite the nail-biter, Dramatic Sex (11) just barely eked out a win over Solitude (10) with 53 percent of the vote, because the collapse of civilization doesn’t mean we aren’t still trying to GET IT. Unlimited Time Off (9) beat the hell out of Alexa Is Your New Queen (4) with over 97 percent of the vote, which feels right, while Rebel Citizen Radio Networks (14) lost out to No More Student Loan Debt (15).


Now, on to today’s competition! We’ve got some tough matches ahead, so let’s keep our eyes on the ball, or the dying sun, or what have you.

Over in the Pre-Apocalypse Nature Division, we’ve got Bees (4) vs. Pets (11). What a conundrum—bees are typically not down to snuggle, but they sure do seem necessary for growing food; pets give us the love we crave, but we don’t need them, per se. (Don’t try to tell me bees are pets, Karen Pence!) Who will you choose?

Next, in the Pre-Apocalypse Nurture Division, Indoor Plumbing (12) battles Online Shopping (11). Someone call 911, this is very difficult! But also not that difficult, when you really think about pit latrines! But I don’t know your life!


Over in the Post-Apocalypse Nature Division, two bright spots in our largely bleak future face off when Mad Max Fashion (16) takes on Dramatic Sex (11). Which do you choose: expressing yourself through the creative use of dust and heavy eyeliner, or expressing yourself through the act of desperate, heaving love?


Last, in the Post-Apocalypse Nurture Division, it’s Unlimited Time Off (9) vs. No More Student Loan Debt (15). I’m tearing my hair out! What will it be?!


That’s all for today, folks. Tomorrow, we move on to the Final Four. Here’s your updated bracket:

Illustration for article titled March Madness Elite Eight: Dramatic Sex Is Playing to Win

Ellie is a freelance writer and former senior writer at Jezebel. She is pursuing a master's degree in science journalism at Columbia University in the fall.

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Detective Brenda Lee Johnson

I’m going to be so mad if dramatic sex wins. We have no birth control, we’re fighting for our lives, and people are just down to bone. No, I have a civilization to rebuild and zombies to murder, boy bye.