Man Rips Off Own Penis After Eating Evil Mushrooms

Today in other reasons to be a square who goes to bed at 8:30 pm, a 41-year-old Ohio man was found naked, screaming, high on mushrooms, and covered in blood outside of a middle school last week. The blood was penis blood. Because he had taken his penis off. With his hands. Penis/Off. Oh dear.

Via the NYDN:

Parts of his genitals lay on the ground beside him.

“He really wasn’t saying much at all — a lot of yelling and screaming,” Sgt. Geoff Fox told the Detroit Free Press.

“He wasn’t making sense. Officers couldn’t really communicate with him in terms of constructive conversation.”

The Columbus man, and his gored private parts, were taken to St. Joseph Mercy Hospital in Superior Township where he continues to be treated.

He later reportedly told investigators he’d picked up hallucinogenic mushrooms from a friend’s house earlier in the day.

As a feminist blogger, I often encounter (manufactured) confusion regarding how feminists feel about severed penises. Basically, the line is that feminists can’t get ENOUGH of hilarious penis-chopping, because equal rights! It all makes hella sense! Being critical of rape jokes that mock victims means, logically, that I must be a huge fan of “castration jokes” (you know, that very popular comedy trend?). Decrying sexual violence against women means I must be really really into sexual violence against men, because of that one time when that lady stuck her husband’s johnson in the garbage disposal and then Sharon Osbourne was a real asshole about it on The Talk (solid basis for a political philosophy, bros). And I think we all remember that rousing Suffragette slogan: “Votes for Women! (Is Our Second Priority After Chopping Off All the Penises!)”

Hhhhhhhh. Being an enthusiastic penis-toucher, a believer in the justice system, and also a compassionate human being who cares about the safety and bodily autonomy of others, it never occurred to me that I needed to publicly articulate my stance on a penis being violently separated from a man’s body. But apparently I do! For the movement! So allow me to take this moment to express that I AM VERY OBVIOUSLY AGAINST IT BECAUSE OH MY GOD THAT MAN DOESN’T HAVE A PENIS ATTACHED TO HIM ANYMORE AND IT’S AWFUL. I hope somebody put it on ice in time.