Man Celebrates 96th Birthday by Accidentally Eating Rat Cake

Do you like cake? Are you one of those people who never got over childhood birthday parties and the sweet, smoky smell of snuffed candles mingling with buttercream icing? If you murmured “yes” to your computer, then the next sentence you read will horrify you and quite possibly turn you into a PIE person. An old man from Long Island recently celebrated his 96th birthday by purchasing his favorite sort of cake from a local cakery only to realize about seven bites into his birthday celebration that the cake had a rat tail baked into it.

The local ABC affiliated reported that old “Uncle Joe” from Commack, NY demanded a cake from his nephew, Neil Gold. But not just any cake! Revealing himself to be something of a birthday diva, Uncle Joe specified that he would only accept a German apple ring cake from a particular grocery store in Commack. On Thursday, when Joe bit into his cake, he immediately said, “It doesn’t taste right,” which probably made all of Joe’s relatives groan. Gawd, old folks are so goddamn picky! It turned out that old Joe was right, though — the German apple ring cake was actually a German apple ring rat tail cake, with extra rat tail.

A simple mistake? Hardly, says Gold family attorney Ed Yule, who is “personally under the opinion that this cake [with rat parts baked into it] was tampered with.” Was someone trying to send Uncle Joe a personal message? Did Uncle Joe inform on some mafioso back in the 60s and that mafioso is now, after a near-lifetime in prison, trying to exact revenge? Or was this rat cake just a malicious prank directed at the cake community by a fatphobic terrorist who’s embedded him or herself in the local baking community? There’s no way to know for sure, but either of these two things sounds completely plausible.