Teen idol Malia Obama reportedly lost her phone while dancing to The Killers at Lollapalooza on Saturday night, which is a very 19-year-old American thing to do. Another 19-year-old American thing to do is schlep to the nearest Apple Store thinking it’ll be easy to get a new phone, only to be told it’s not under your name and that you’ll probably have to make some calls to figure out all your account details.
Of course, the story becomes less and less relatable for the average 19-year-old as additional details are revealed. Page Six reports the elder Obama child visited a Chicago Apple Store “with Secret Service agents in tow,” and that employees couldn’t “immediately” help “because she didn’t have the Apple ID or the password for the missing phone.” Why, you ask? Because the phone was originally set up by someone at the White House.
This likely led to a call to Michelle or Barack, who then called someone from their former White House staff—maybe named Jeff or Allison—who then had to call one of their subordinates—let’s call them Jamie—who was forced to leave brunch early after saying, “Malia lost her phone,” head home, and sift through a locked filing cabinet where they had been keeping all those important account documents.
“Malia?” Jamie probably said after the Secret Service agent handed her his phone. “Long time no speak! Hope all’s well. Anyway, the Apple ID is MaliaPhone@BOFamDevices.com. Let me know if you need the last four digits of my social. I’ll stay on the line. No no, I’m not busy at all.”