Magnetic Lingerie: For Women Who Really Want Something Embarrassing To Happen To Them

In a move that almost seems to have been made with future-Katherine Heigl romcom hijinks in mind, Parisian underwear designer Lingerie Dement recently introduced unmentionables held together with the power of magnets.

The designer claims that they were made with passion in mind, for women who really want to live out the fantasy of wild sex-having without the obnoxious taking off of the panties that normally precedes the act:

Tiny, almost invisible magnets hold the pieces in place, holding tight enough to ensure that there won’t be any accidental panty-dropping in the office. But when the moment arrives, the well-placed connectors snap apart in one swift tear.

This sounds like a sort of cool idea, except there are so many things that could go wrong here, and those things that could go wrong are exponentially worse than the things that could go well, erotically speaking, as the result of donning magnetic skivvies. For one, I am a fidgeter. I fidget with things. Especially things like magnetic panties. I can imagine absently sitting at my desk at work and fumbling with the magnets through my skirt or something. Then, suddenly, the boss wants something! I stand up, my underwear fall. Embarrassment!

Or, pretend I’m on a date wearing magnetic panties, and we’re making out or something and they come undone when I don’t want them to come undone? What then? Can I blame the panties for sending my date mixed signals?

How about if I’m running to catch the bus? Can the magnets stand up to sudden acceleration?

Do the panties attract paper clips? Do the bras mess with pacemakers? What about airport scanners? Maybe other women who aren’t as neurotic as I am could enjoy these as a fun sex-having accessory, but my paranoia at even thinking about wearing them indicates to me that I am clearly not ready for this jelly.