Madonna’s Vagina Could Save Us All

I think most NFTs are inherently stupid: They’re a high-stakes gamble at best and a get-poor-quick tactic for the crypto-addicted at worst. Couple that with the fact that the NFT market has plunged from its gaudy beginnings, and you’ve got a surefire strategy for attracting the shame nun to your front door. Given such dire circumstances, it’s unclear why Madonna, in “peak Boomer” behavior, would choose this particular moment to launch three NFTs featuring 3D models of her naked vagina.

Yet, I am here to defend our material girl’s non-material vag art, because who’s to say Madonna’s cooch won’t be the thing to save us all in the end? Won’t be me, and it definitely shouldn’t be the perennially online incels who consider dunking on “aging” women to be a competitive sport.

The NFTs are provocative, sure, but most brilliant art is. One features the naked Madge holding up a robotic centipede on her arm. The second shows a giant tree branching out of her vagina. And the third has her sitting atop an abandoned tank while birthing a kaleidoscope of butterflies—lights flicker behind her as buildings tumble to the ground in what can only be described as the one true prophecy of how our world will end. The apocalypse is upon us and here’s Madonna—tits up, nips out, and red lipstick on.

“I’m doing what women have been doing since the beginning of time, which is giving birth,” the pop icon said of the piece in an Instagram video. “But on a more existential level, I’m giving birth to art and creativity and we would be lost without both.” Madonna: America’s beloved chanteuse, purveyor of time going by so slowly, and, apparently, the world’s next Jean-Paul Sartre.

To back up for a moment, for those of you who aren’t deeply in touch with the non-fungible token community (I wish this for absolutely none of you), the 63-year-old icon announced on Tuesday that she had collaborated with digital artist Beeple to create three pieces of NFT artwork entitled “Mother of Creation,” with the proceeds going to charities National Bail Out, V-Day, and Voices of Children. The auction ends Friday and the current highest bid for one of the pieces is over $29,000.

But given that our society hates women, and really hates aging women, a bunch of keyboard warriors took it upon themselves to pillage the internet and let it be known that they really REALLY hate famous, aging women. The backlash ranged from calling Madonna “cringe” and screaming “no one asked for this” to pronouncing she’d gotten “really desperate for attention in her old age.” The New York Post’s resident pearl-clutcher even called the NFTs “porn” and said they were her “latest filthy attention grab.” Meanwhile, a Crypto Twitter member griped that mother nature should “not wear make-up” and have “fake tits and hair.”

Sadly, for a particular breed of men, women existing nude online, whether in this universe or the meta one, should only take place when in service to their needs. And often, they just don’t need a woman over 25.

The truth is that whether Madonna was wearing granny panties and a wool sweater, or if her 3D body showed even a singular wrinkle in her labia, she would still get pilfered as an attention-seeking whore, because men can’t stand women who understand the innate power of their bodies. Not to mention that women—especially older women, and namely, rich, powerful, and famous women—promoting their birthing bodies as the center of the universe (WHICH THEY ARE) often serves as an affront to the confidence of men who require women to stay docile, thin, constricted, and pliant. Madonna is none of those things. She is mother earth, mother of the virgins, and mother of rock and roll. Those who can’t see that her graphically exquisite vagina will probably save humanity from itself can take a swan dive into the Styx River, where Hades and the underworld await them.

“My journey through life as a woman is like that of a tree. Starting with a small seed, always pushing against the resistance of the Earth. The endless weight of gravity,” she muses in one of the pieces. I, too, will forever push against the resistance of the Earth—especially if the “Earth” means the ageist little twats who cower at the sight of our savior and the eighth Wonder of the World: Madonna’s pixelated pussy.