After Sunday night’s BET Awards, my new dream feature film is Megan Thee Stallion starring in MAD MEGAN: FURY STALLION, brought to you by Hot Girl Productions. The actress, who’s starred in other Oscar-worthy, short-form classics like “Savage,” “Big Ole Freak,” and “Simon Says,” plays herself, Megan, an embattled roadster who, along with her dirt bike crew of fellow hot girls, roams a post-apocalyptic wasteland in search of retribution against Evil Overlords Chris Brown and Drake, who somehow won “Best Collaboration” over her “Hot Girl Summer” anthem. Now? It’s time for vengeance.
Meg’s brilliant, virtual BET Awards performance was a jaw-dropping medley of mega-hits “Girls in the Hood” and “Savage.” Clad in O-rings and feathers and thigh-high combat boots, she dipped and twerked and spun and stomped her way through various post-industrial set pieces, like burned and rusted out cars, or a construction rig her backup dancers used to drop into splits during Beyoncé’s savage medley. I don’t even have any particularly interesting things to say about it besides that it was, perhaps, the most sickening live performance I’ve ever seen at an awards show of late. Can we always do these things virtually?
Elsewhere, Beyoncé’s other proteges, Chloe x Halle, also bodied a dual performance of their “Forgive Me” and my personal Song of the Summer, “Do It.” While their Global Goal: Unite for Our Future performance the day before was “technically” better, who else is churning out such consistent visuals? I’ll tell you—not a single person!
Speaking of Beyoncé, she urged people to “vote like their life depends on it” while accepting her Humanitarian of the Year award later in the night. Thanks for the reminder, Bey!
Rob Kardashian—he’s back! Did you know he was gone? Well, I couldn’t really tell you where he went, but it was certainly somewhere, as it wasn’t here or there or anywhere of note, really. Don’t worry though, nothing suspicious or strange happened before or after he left. He may have posted revenge porn of ex-Blac Chyna back in 2017, precipitating a years-long custody battle over their daughter Dream, but that was 2017, you know? And besides, mom Kris Jenner runs his Instagram account now, and everyone knows she’s the least vindictive or scheming press person in the entire world. What could go wrong?
Look at him! He’s back! Everything is normal again. Aren’t you so happy that it is? Finally, peace and harmony has returned to gated communities across Calabasas. Here he is with Scott Disick even, and everyone knows he’s like, the least “back” person in the Kardashian Cinematic Universe at the moment.
Just a question, though. All these pictures were taken at Khloe Kardashian’s birthday over the weekend. Exactly how many maskless people were there? Stay safe, y’all!
After rebuking allegations that a backup dancer in her most recent music video was in blackface, Jojo Siwa dyed her hair.
- On that same note, Kanye West’s former bodyguard is eyeing a lawsuit. [Page Six]
- Kim’s KKW Beauty was also valued at $1 billion by investor Coty in massive new deal. [TMZ]
- Did you know Ernest Hemingway’s model great-granddaughter Dree is now acting? [Page Six]
- Oh no! Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli had to flee their Bel-Air country club. [People]
- Kelsea Ballerini calls some country man “selfish” for throwing packed concert. [Us Weekly]
- Chelsea Handler and Melanie Griffith are getting wet and wild for Andrew Cuomo in his Instagram comments. Yuck! [Just Jared]