If I Can’t Fuck the M&M Spokescandies, What Do I Have to Live For?

You’ve probably heard the news. And if you haven’t, you’ve felt the cold chill of a castrated nation run down your spine. Mars Wrigley, M&M’s parent company, has decided to not re-sexualize their recently woke-ified spokescandies and is instead banishing them indefinitely. This sex-negative move to appease the left is everything that’s wrong with America.

Last year, M&M decided to Queer Eye its longtime spokescandies, giving them a slight brand makeover described as a “fresh, modern take on the looks of our beloved characters.” Notably, the green and brown M&M’s (both spokesWOMENcandies thank you very much) went from sexy thigh high go-go boots and seductive stilettos to dowdy sneakers and heinously sensible pumps, respectively. The brown M&M also swapped her fuck-me secretary glasses for ones that look like they’re used for “reading.” Boooo. For Americans and our parasocial psychosexual relationships with these mascots, the havoc their altered identities wreaked on our daily lives was on par with global lockdowns.

“I think we all win when we see more women in leading roles,” the green M&M said in a promotional video for the upgrade. Absolute boner killer.

But Tucker Carlson, a voice for the voiceless, spoke up. “M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous,” Carlson said on his show following the rebrand. “Until the moment when you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal. When you’re totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity. They’ve won.” Preach, brother. First they came for our fuckable hand-chocolates, then what? Are they going to say it’s inappropriate to stick your dick in a cup of pudding? It makes me sick.

Things died down for a bit—until the Mars Company had the balls to introduce a new spokescandy into their freaky polycule: a purple peanut M&M. This new addition was accurately described, once again by Carlson, the champion of the thinking classes, as the “plus-sized, obese purple M&M.”

Faced with a PR crisis, the M&M execs had a decision to make. “America, let’s talk,” they tweeted on Monday. “We have decided to taken an indefinite pause on from our spokescandies.” Instead of attempting to slip some Viagra back into their M&Ms and revitalize the beloved chocolate staple with its much-missed mojo, the company chose to neuter the sexual lifeblood of this country. To make matters worse, they’ve decided to bring in human spokeswoman Maya Rudolph—someone I can’t project my anthropomorphized hard-shelled chocolate fantasies onto—to indefinitely replace all seven spokescandies.

How am I supposed to look my M&M loving children in the eyes and explain this to them? “Sweetie, I know you’ve barely slept or kept food down since Mars Wrigley stripped the girl-candies of their inherent erotic essence, but they’ve only made matters worse. They’ve brought in Paul Thomas Anderson’s wife to try and fix things.”

So no, I’m not happy with this “fix.” I’m not happy that the green M&M has been “disappeared.” I want my fuckable M&Ms back. Please join me in rubbing one out in memory of the sexy M&M spokescandies we’ve lost to this sick and rotten woke country.