Lowlights From The Eight Zillionth Republican Debate

Illustration for article titled Lowlights From The Eight Zillionth Republican Debate

Last night, Republican presidential hopefuls got the band back together again for another debate reunion tour, and like most bands whose best albums are behind them, the old familiar songs just didn't sound the same. Chords were off. Rick Perry forgot the words. Mitt Romney experienced a hair gel malfunction unbefitting of a lead guitarist. And Herman Cain slipped and fell on a pair of panties a fan threw onto the stage. Let's take a look at the moments that will lend themselves best to tragic voiced over segments on future episodes of Behind the Music.


Herman Cain has refrained from sexually harassing literally thousands of women.
Even though everyone expected the topic of Cain's errant game slinging to come up, the audience still groaned as though they were told their teenage daughter was pregnant when moderator Maria Bartiromo asked him about it. Cain helpfully responded that 99% of Americans have never been sexually harassed by Herman Cain.

For every person who'd come forward with a false accusation,there are thousands who will say 'I never saw that from Herman Cain.'

Now, who can argue with that?

Will Michele Bachmann allow Americans to pay their taxes in cheeseburgers?
The idea of taxing the poor got big applause from the crowd at the debate last night. Bachmann doubled down on her stance that every person should pay some taxes, even very poor people or very old people, or, I'm assuming, zygotes. She suggested that poor people can probably afford to pay $10 per year— that's like 2 Happy Meals' worth! Even babies can afford to pay their taxes in Happy Meals.

Princess Pelosi is a hilarious thing that we are calling the first Female Speaker of the House.
Herman Cain, that old scamp, got some big laughs when he referred to Nancy Pelosi as "princess," which is hysterical because — women! They're terrible!

Legislation has already been written — HR 3000. In the previous Congress, it was HR 3400. What that does is — it has already been written. We didn't hear about it in the previous Congress because Princess Nancy sent to it committee and it stayed there. It never came out. HR 3000 allows the decisions to be with the doctors and patients, not with the bureaucrat in Washington, D.C.


South Carolina jokester and part time ex politician Todd Kincannon had some other choice lady insults to add, tweeting that Pelosi was a cunty bitchwhore.

Comedy is best when it reinforces existing stereotypes and fails to challenge the status quo, so, well done, sir. I doff my PrincessBitchWhoreCunt tiara to you.


A bug in Mitt Romney's brain sent him back to his 1994 Senate campaign
During a moment of asserting that he was a steady hand at the tiller and totally not a guy who will say anything to get elected, Romney mentioned that he'd been married to his wife for 25 years before correcting himself. He's actually been married for 42 years.

However, in 1994, when he was running for Senate against Ted Kennedy, he had been married to his wife for exactly 25 years. Romney plans to show up for the next debate in a Nirvana shirt and Doc Martens and complain about the baseball strike and the Montreal Expos season that could have been.


Rick Perry wants to put a flag in the middle of the country that declares America open for business, which seems pretty impractical.
Rick Perry announced that part of his economic plan was to put a big "OPEN FOR BUSINESS" sign in the center of our great star spangled nation, like the kind that car dealerships like to erect next to inflatable gorillas that announce that they are having a sale of King Kong proportions.

HuffPo's Amanda Terkel points out that if a flag were placed in the geographic center of the country, it would be in tiny Lebanon, Kansas, which is hardly a high traffic area that will get international attention.


Rick Perry's brain took a dump in his mouth live on national television.
Elect a stupid Texan President once, shame on you, America. Elect a stupid Texan President twice, uh...

Rick Perry should have tried to sing his way out of this minute long brain fart, but he didn't, and now some are speculating that his candidacy is all but kaput.


He tried to do some damage control this morning, appearing on Good Morning America wearing what looks like a rubber mask of his own face and reiterating his statement from last night that he'd "stepped in it."

Jon Huntsman suggested breaking up big banks, unifying America, and not starting a trade war with China.
He'll never win.


Well, there you have it. All of the best self-flackery special interest groups can buy. If you're worried you'll start missing the lovable bumbling of a bunch of people who want to lead the free world, don't fret— the next debate is on Saturday.



This Texan would like to take the opportunity to point out that while George W. Bush was indeed governor of Texas, he is actually from Connecticut. I don't want to claim him more than we have to.