Look Out, Heathens: Sarah Palin Is Writing a Book on Christmas

Illustration for article titled Look Out, Heathens: Sarah Palin Is Writing a Book on Christmas

Looks like Christmas has come early! Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska and VP candidate, is working on a new book about the December Christian holiday and the Godless pagans who keep trying to destroy it. (Hiiiiiii!)

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In a statement made through her publisher, Palin announced:

"Amidst the fragility of this politically correct era, it is imperative that we stand up for our beliefs before the element of faith in a glorious and traditional holiday like Christmas is marginalized and ignored. This will be a fun, festive, thought provoking book, which will encourage all to see what is possible when we unite in defense of our faith and ignore the politically correct Scrooges who would rather take Christ out of Christmas."

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See? It's just a fun, festive, thought-provoking book for fun, festive, thought-provoking people who want to celebrate the glorious holiday of Christmas in peace. It's not for the Scrooges out there who may have actually read A Christmas Carol and noticed that accepting the joy of Christmas into your heart actually leads to becoming super liberal and giving a ton of shit to the poor.

Palin's book, which will criticize the "over-commercialism" and "homogenization" of Christmas, will be called A Happy Holiday IS a Merry Christmas and will be out in November of this year. Alternate titles include Persecution Complex: A Step-by-Step Guide to Feigning Victimhood and Hanukkah IS Christmas (for People Who Go to Hell).

Sarah Palin Writing Book About Christmas [NYT]

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Twas the night before Christmas, or at least looked that way

In Wasilla it snows until April or May.

I sat up in my bed and while darling Todd snored

I puzzled at how I’d see my fame restored

My children are no longer knocked up nor wedding,

Nor Dancing With Stars, nor lame rednecks bedding.

And mamma is no longer Gov in Juneau;

Yep, all that I’m boss of is this fucking snow.

When into my brain popped such a bright notion,

I sprang from the bed to put my plan in motion.

To my Blackberry I flew like a flash,

And texted my ghostwriter, “Want some more cash?”

The lustrous white color of the new-fallen snow

Had brought to mind Christian oppression, donchaknow?

And when are poor Christians more sorely oppressed,

Than Xmas, that day our Lord Jesus so blessed.

Oh, we’ll dash off a missive of grieved anecdotes

And pepper it through with misleading quotes

They rubes, how they’ll love it! And I’ll be back in vogue

I’ll double the sales from last time I went Rogue!

I crept back in bed, with my eyes all a-twinkle

My dilemma was solved like a Botox-smoothed wrinkle

I laid my head on my pillow with a smile on my face

Merry Christmas to the suckers who’ll buy this disgrace!