Sup, homenuggets. I’m South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham. And I’m running for President.
I am the man South Carolina voters chose to replace Strom Thurmond, a virulent racist and segregationist who South Carolinians elected to serve them in the Senate for 47 years. After his death, it was revealed that when he was 22, Thurmond had impregnated his family’s 16-year-old black maid. His biracial secret daughter died in 2013. I am much less horrifying a human being than Strom Thurmond. I’m still not great, though. I’m the political equivalent of margarine: gross, but not the very grossest.
I’m glad the NSA is tracking my phone. And yours.
I fucking love war. I have never actually been in a war zone for more than a couple of weeks, but that taste was enough to make me fall in love with the idea of it, you know?
I think gun background checks will lead to mandatory gun registration, which, coincidentally, is pretty much exactly what the NRA thinks. I also publicly opposed new gun control measures mere weeks after the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School. Yep, the NRA pretty much has me by the short n’ curlies!
As of March of this year, I told Chuck Todd that I have never sent an email. How could you not elect someone as savvy and of the moment as me?
I believe in climate change and immigration reform, but also guns for everybody and constant war. Republicans hate me sometimes. Democrats hate me sometimes. I’m sure, at some point, you have hated me, too!
Vote for me. I am a man named Lindsey. I will not be your next President.
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