Lindsay Lohan Might Have Stolen Elizabeth Taylor's Treasured Magic Bracelet of Friendship

If this item is true, my mouth is going to turn into a perfectly cylindrical firehose of barf and not stop super-soaking everything I behold until approximately 2018 (or I die of a Vitamin Barf deficiency—whichever comes first). Apparently, during the filming of Liz & Dick, Lindsay Lohan made the acquaintance of Elizabeth Taylor‘s beloved nurse, who showed LiLo a very special bracelet that had been a gift to the nurse from Liz. Then, on that very same day, the bracelet mysteriously disappeared. Because, says the nurse, LiLo fucking yoinked it. But wait, you don’t understand! If she DID steal it, it’s only because she really really wanted it! See?! Why are you all so meeeeeeean!?!?

“Lindsay became very good friends with Elizabeth Taylor’s longtime nurse while shooting Liz & Dick,” a source close to the situation tells Radar. “Elizabeth had given the nurse an expensive bracelet that was very meaningful to her and the nurse absolutely cherished it. Lindsay immediately fell in love with the bracelet the minute she saw it and was very vocal about how much she admired it. A short time later, the bracelet disappeared from the nurse’s house … on the very same day Lindsay had been to visit.

“The nurse initially gave Lindsay the benefit of the doubt, thinking that she had just accidentally forgotten to take the bracelet off after trying it on. However, that theory was soon shot down after she called Lindsay and she swore she did not take the bracelet and categorically denied having it in her possession. The nurse knew that was a blatant lie as the bracelet disappeared after Lindsay was at the house and she knew that it had to have been Lindsay who took it. In the end, it took over a week to get the bracelet back from Lindsay and it was only returned after the nurse threatened to call the cops. One of Lindsay’s people eventually returned the bracelet to the nurse, who was extremely upset about what had transpired,” the source says.

If this is true, if, IF, if this is true…DOOD. LOHAN. FOR FUCK’S SAKE. THE WORLD DOES NOT OWE YOU SHIT. GET A FUCKING GRIP OR GET SOME HELP ALREADY. Also, you should write Donald Trump a letter and thank him for continuing to be alive. He’s the only thing between you and a Shittiest Person in America trophy right now. [Radar]

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Uuuuuuuugh, how undignified. Apparently President Obama finally felt obligated to address the current onslaught of “Deport Piers Morgan” petitions, following the latter’s “controversial” assertion that maybe we should consider having a little teeny weeny bit more gun control. The White House responded that, um, no, we don’t deport people for having opinions, dumbshits.

“President Obama believes that the Second Amendment guarantees an individual right to bear arms. However, the Constitution not only guarantees an individual right to bear arms, but also enshrines the freedom of speech and the freedom of the press-fundamental principles that are essential to our democracy. Americans may disagree on matters of public policy and express those disagreements vigorously, but no one should be punished by the government simply because he or she expressed a view on the Second Amendment-or any other matter of public concern.”

We can imagine that the right to free speech and a free press are two of things Morgan was thinking of when he wrote in wrote in a Daily Mail op-ed that he loves America as a second home. The former tabloid editor also wrote, however, that the U.S. won’t “have to worry about deporting” him if changes aren’t made to existing gun laws to “at least try to stop this relentless tidal wave of murderous carnage.”

Piers Morgan seems like kind of an unpleasant blowhard, but yep. [E!]

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Those first two stories gave me rage-hives, so let’s just take a break and watch the trailer for the Lifetime Original Movie An Amish Murder starring Neve Campbell. [Ominous bearded slow-turn.] [Sepia-toned shot of abandoned bonnet.]

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Oh, cool. Trumpy’s in the house and he’s saying stuff. It appears that Donald Trump strong-armed Miss Alabama USA into going on the Today Show and saying she totally doesn’t need or accept ESPN’s public apology for creepily objectifying her. In fact, Donald Trump loved it! I mean SHE loved it! She really loved it, you guys. Talk about her buns more. She loves it.

Although she admitted to being “flattered” by the attention, she also noted that no apology was necessary, and it looks like Miss USA organization owner Donald Trump agrees.

Speaking to E! News correspondent Alicia Quarles, Trump admits that he wasn’t surprised by Webb’s overnight fame, while gushing over his “amazing” pageant superstar and sounding off on the sport’s network apology.

“I don’t know why ESPN apologized. I thought that what they said and I frankly thought that Brett…he said what everybody was thinking,” Trump told E! News with a shrug.

“Look at all these guys they’re all agreeing! Do we agree fellas?” he added while gesturing to the crowd on the carpet.

I…I…I just…

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