It opens with Lindsay Lohan’s shitty friends sipping on champagne around her while she narrates in a voice over about her struggles with alcoholism: “It’s a really fucked up disease, and it’s really scary.” Lindsay Lohan’s friends are the worst.
Anyway, the only shocking part for me was her reaction to the list of her sex partners that inTouch printed, because I was 90% convinced that it was a weird fabrication that she was just playing along with (I know, that’s really irrational, but WHO PUTS “J. PHEONIX” BEFORE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE?). “It was not only humiliating,” says Lilo, “but just mean.” 🙁
And it seems as though it’s building to some sort of big confessional reveal — TUNE IN AT 8 TO FIND OUT! — likely about whether or not she relapses, which is a pretty insensitive way to handle things. Just saying. [E!]
America’s favorite teen witch Lorde disapprovingly noted that Fashion magazine may have Photoshopped her nose. She tweeted: “apart from the fact that i’m pretty sure this magazine gave me a new nose (:|), i really like this photo.” Excellent use of linemouth, Lorde. Pulitzer for best slightly-miffed celebrity tweet.
Anyway, the editor of Fashion says the magazine “did not give Lorde a new nose” and said it was probably an illusion caused by lights and camera angles. Reality is a myth. God is the most sly Photoshopper of all. [E!]
In a most blessed and beauteous occurrence, Whoopi Goldberg is getting her own pot column on the Denver Post‘s pot site, in which she talks about pot-smoking. Her first entry is titled “My vape pen and I, I love story.” Here is an excerpt:
The vape pen has changed my life. No, I’m not exaggerating. In fact, her name is Sippy. Yes, she’s a she. And yes, I named her Sippy because I take tiny, little sips — sassy sips, even — from her. And with each sip comes relief — from pressure, pain, stress, discomfort.
The vape pen is from her daughter. This is the best writing on the ‘net. [HuffPo]
- Miley Cyrus wants everyone to shut up about her hospitalization and let her heal. So you’re going to have to x out of that email you were composing to your grandparents filled with feverish Miley Sinus Infection conspiracies. [Cosmo]
- Having completed her Royal Puppy-Stroking duties yesterday, Kate Middleton went on to accept roses from some adorable little girls dressed as Disney princesses. [Cosmo]
- Lea Michele and Naya Rivera hate each other and some have speculated (based off of a blind item) that Naya’s now-ex fiance Big Sean cheated on her with Lea. Good thing Glee is currently wheezing out its dying breath! [DListed]
- Shia LaBeouf Only Owns One Pair of Pants — Here’s Proof! says an E! correspondent who probably lives in a windowless bunker covered in interconnected images of Shia LaBeouf’s brown corduroy capris. [E!]
- Kate Mara says she wore pasties with pictures of Kevin Spacey‘s face on them for their House of Cards sex scene. In case you needed any last-minute Easter gift ideas… [E!]
- Katy Perry got a puppy and named him Butters!!!!!!!!!! [E!]
- Joey Fatone, always willing to speak the uncomfortable truth (*moment of silence for when he admitted to farting during the VMAs*), says the Backstreet Boys are only touring because they need the money. [HuffPo]
- Noted tasteful and well-advised user of social media James Franco called a theater critic a “little bitch” on Instagram. [HuffPo]
- Last night, Victoria’s Secret angel Candice Swanepoel posted a photograph of a woman with a cat’s head resting on her vagina. It turned out not to be her vagina and also presumably not her cat. In related news, I posted a photo of my bun writing Dirt Bag this morning but no media outlets have picked it up so far ;( [Cosmo]