Screenshot: RTV6

FUCK! What time is it?! Fuck! Ack! Where the FUCK am I? Ack! Fuck! Oh shit. LoL. Oh... LoL. Shit. Got it... I’m high. LoL.

That’s what I presume was the thought process of a stoned “pet” raccoon when it was brought into a fire station in Indianapolis because its owners feared the raccoon had overdosed on some bomb kush.

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According to a local ABC News affiliate, the sedated masked stoner “had been exposed to ‘too much’ of someone else’s marijuana, and its owners were worried it was overdosing.” Right, someone else’s... How’d a raccoon obtain my strain of Queen Markle OG Kush? ;)

The fire department’s captain, Michael Pruitt, told the news: “The raccoon was very lethargic. She started explaining what had happened. [Ed. Note: He probably means the owner explained, not the raccoon, but who knows what kinds of stuff a very stoned raccoon can get up to?] There wasn’t really much we could do, it was just the sort of thing that was going to take time.”

Here’s the exchange between the responding police officers, who initially posited that it was a meth or heroin overdose, which could have been tragic because so many of our best raccoons are lost to meth and heroin:

Ofc. 1: “I’m sitting at one of the firehouses. No pet raccoons are overdosing here.”

Ofc. 2: “Well if they show up, you Narcan him.”

Ofc. 1: “Way too weird. I’m leaving.

Ofc. 2: “10-4”

The owners reportedly transported the raccoon back home and let it sleep until the high wore off, but not before it enjoyed a light snack of curtains and carpet fibers. Pruitt says, “We hope that everything worked out with the raccoon. We’d be sad to hear that it didn’t.”

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