Lies You Should Begin Telling Yourself Now

Christmas and New Year’s are barreling down upon us, with the usual bombardment of schmaltzy feelgood feels, family togetherness, and big planz riding shotgun. Not everyone can hang. This season, psychologists suggest you talk yourself out of feeling bad, even if you feel really really bad.

Over at the WSJ in a piece called “Time to Spread Holiday Cheer, Even When You’re Down,” we learn that for people who are single, divorced or divorcing, unemployed, grieving, with a dying person or near death themselves — surprise — this is not a time of joy, mistletoe, nor, one can only assume, baller NYE plans. And no one is immune from the life comparison shopping you’ll be forced to do thanks to the glut of social media posts of sweaters, fireplaces, and various hot beverages in an orange-red glow.

But against our most fundamental instincts to withdraw, be bummed out, or walk around like this…

…shrinks say it’s just going to make you feel worse to give into your worst feelings. In fact, they suggest you instead do the opposite of barfing against a tree. Drawing on psychologists with expertise in grief, happiness, Elizabeth Bernstein writes that you should more or less lie to yourself and “rewrite the script in your head”:

Resist the cynical “bah, humbug” attitude that will just make you feel more distant from others. Instead, adopt an attitude of “wise understanding” about how the season is so much more complicated than the songs and commercials and holiday parties would suggest. Try a mantra, like “It ain’t necessarily so,” when you find yourself thinking that others have a better life right now than you do.

Um, alright?

Bernstein offers example after example of how others have pulled it together in spite of terrible circumstances. A divorcing single mom lit a fire at Christmas time and has decided to get more into the season; a single woman sleeps late on Christmas morning and buys herself a lot of stuff. These emotional bootstraps are meant to be proof positive that you, too, can muddle through somehow.

If they want you to reframe the narrative, then I say reframe the motherfuckin’ narrative. Dust it off, and get back out there, and try telling yourself these whoppers!

You Won’t Argue With Your Sister at Christmas
You’ll Find The One in Early 2015
You Will Make Friends at That Holiday Party and Have a Great Time
You Will Lose Exactly the 23 Pounds Needed
You Will Master the Perfect Selfie
You Will Be Confident That You Are Taking All the Vitamins and Supplements You Need to Correct All Your Personal Issues, From Physical to Psychological
Your Small Business Idea Was Actually Pretty Great
And Unique!
You Will Experience Multiple Breakthroughs In Therapy
Therapist Will Include You In Case Study Called Runaway Success Stories
You Will Wear Half the Shit you Bought on Black Friday
You’re This Close to Perfect Hair, Skin, Teeth
You Will Correct Your Poor Posture With a Combination of Pilates and Sheer Willpower
That Thing You Do Where You Overthink Stuff and Spin Out?
Not Gonna Do It Anymore.
You Never Said Those Bad Things
Or Did Them!
People Who Misjudged You Will Now Judge You Correctly — and Awesomely
You Are Being Invited to All Relevant Parties for Your Social Standing
And Those Just Slightly Above, Too
2^nd Grade Teacher Will Send Email Apology for Putting Your Desk in Corner That Whole Week
Realized Jenny Hudson Was the Spelling Cheater, Not You
Hey, New Year’s Eve Is Gonna be the BEST
You Will Literally Remember This Night Forever
Your Skin Will Look Better If You Combine these TWO Products
You’re Going to Get Super Into Hanukkah This Year
You Will Always Style Your Bangs So That It Makes Your Face Look Thinner
You Will Never Have Bangs Again
And Will Finally Learn to Contour With Makeup!
You’ll Finally Be Really Over Him by Feb. 12
You Actually Do Always Look Really Pretty
You Don’t Know It
But You Do
No More Flushing Butt Wipes
Solve All Your Problems With This One Weird Trick
You Will Be Less Critical of Yourself and More Critical of Others
That Probiotic Will Fix Everything
You Will Not Let That Child Boss You Around Anymore
You Will Hate-Read Classier Books
Will Finally Read the Whole Bible
Or At Least a Very Academic Summary
You Won’t Have One More Drink
You Will Strike the Perfect Balance of Still Looking Young but Old Enough to Demand Everyone’s Respect
Consider that Fridge Organized
World Will Finally Validate Your Love for Elliott Gould
You Will Go Full Paleo This Time — And Stick With It
If Not Paleo, You Will Go Full Vegan
If Not Vegan, For Sure No Fast Food!
You Will Work Out 4 Times a Week, Min
That Promotion? In the Bag!
You WILL Have the Baby You Want
You Will Not Have the Baby You Don’t Want
You Will Never Be Out of Tampons Again
No More In-App Purchases
You Will Earn the On-the-Job Respect You Deserve
Your Husband Will Finally Appreciate All That You Fucking Do
In-Laws Will Realize You Really Do Complete Him
You Will Get Up Easily 10 to 15 Minutes Earlier for Awhile
You Will Do Your Makeup At Home and Not in the Car
You Will Stop Stealing That Coworker’s Lunch
Your Boss Will Finally Recognize How Late You Work
Or at Least the Cleaning Lady Will
2015: The Year of Really Flossing (Really)
Because You Went a Long Time There for a While and It Was Gross
This Is the Year Your Two Best Friends Become Best Friends, Too
You Will Volunteer for That Thing You Saw
More Blowjobs, For Everyone
You Will Find the Perfect Bra
Break Out the Ol’ Rollerblades
Sunday New York Times Will Be Read in Full, Talked About
You Will Make Parenting Look Like a Cinch
Really It’s All Going to be OK No Matter What
It’s Not That Bad If You Really Think About It
Everything Really IS Awesome