Let's Take a Tour of Martha Stewart's Farm

Martha Stewart, the woman with a better everything than you, went on a drive around her farm yesterday and took a few dozen pictures documenting its perfection. Today she uploaded them to her blog, complete with detailed descriptions for each. Based on her post, I’ve created a brief guide for her Bedford, NY property.

First, grab your blueberry scone and step onto the terrace through the door in the kitchen. You’ll notice a garden filled with “glorious culinary herbs including chives, sage, oregano, and thyme.” Approach them and inhale through your nose. Can you smell that? It’s potential. After feeling someone tap you on the shoulder, turn to find Martha handing you a travel mug filled with freshly brewed coffee. “You can’t have a scone without coffee. Take it during your walk.”

Continue wandering through the terrace. After finishing the scone, brush your hand softly over the golden barberry. It really does look “beautiful and dramatic” alongside the boxwood. Shades of yellows and green – the colors of nature. The colors of life. You wish you had taken a second scone.

After stepping off the terrace, follow the “double hedge of round boxwood” to Martha’s “herbaceous peony garden.” Their 11 rows are as “majestic” as she told you they would be, and you heed their wordless call to walk between them. While zigzagging through the 20 varieties of peonies, imagine them growing long after your body has returned to the ground. Peonies and Martha Stewart – both infinite.

Next, walk behind the Summer House and take a look at Stewart’s newest garden. Though “still a work in progress,” it’s certainly more beautiful than any garden you’re capable of creating. Walk to the end of the path and look up at the ginkgo tree. “So this is what a gingko tree looks like,” you’ll whisper to yourself. Now sit down under its canopy and quietly seethe.

Once the feeling of jealousy passes, walk toward “boxwood alley” and notice all the peonies bordering many of Stewart’s trees. Once there, take a selfie with the horses in the background and put it on Instagram with the caption “Roaming around Martha Stewart’s farm and staring at her horses. You know, typical [day of the week]. #MarthaStewart #Yassssssss”

By the time you reach the rustic fence, you’ll be pretty far from the home. This is a perfect place to take a panoramic photo with your phone. Once you’ve posted it, continue wandering into the American beech grove trees and toward the blueberry pergola. Go ahead and take a few off the bushes and plop them in your mouth. Martha worked hard to make sure they grew in ideal conditions and she’d be happy to know you enjoyed them.

What’s that – more berries? And they’re raspberries this time? Spit the blueberries out and run towards the bushes to find every variety imaginable. Red ones! Black ones! Golden ones! All in one place: heaven. Eat as many as you can. You’ll now feel something small hit your head, so turn and discover Martha standing among her currant bushes.

“Currants, too?” you will scream at her.

“Currants, too,” she’ll respond.

She’s growing red, white, and black ones, so avoid insulting her by having a few of each. Before you can figure out whether or not you’ve ever had a fresh currant before, Martha will ask you to follow her. She’ll walk you behind the greenhouse, where two horses are tied. “Hop on,” she’ll say. You may mount whichever of the two you choose.

It should be getting dark by now, so ride with Martha down the path bordered by lilacs. She will inform you that these are “some of the most fragrant of all the lilacs.” Nod at everything she says. Smile at her. Show her you love being here. Once you arrive back at the house, shake Martha’s hand (or hug if she initiates) and leave the grounds.

If you find a gift basket filled with treasures from her garden in your car, she likes you and you may return next spring. If you find nothing, please do not contact her again.