Rita Ora is on the cover of September’s Glamour (the UK edition, seeing as how their readers are more capable of matching her face to her name), and she looks great! Though technically naked, we see her pensively holding a dress in front her body as though looking in a mirror while thinking, “Will people recognize me in this?”

But enough about Ms. Ora and the extent of her fame. Let’s look at the odd collection of floating words and phrases that surround her.


Quite a cover, ain’t it? Here are my favorite parts:


Hey you! Relaxed person! If put in a godawful night terror of a scenario, how do you think you’d react? Just a hypothetical.



Hey! Yeah, you again! Do you think you have enough sex - like, compared to everyone else? If you’re interested, we know the exact amount of sex that is normal and wanted to either calm you down or make you feel even more inadequate and miserable than you were earlier. Whatever works, really.



I say that all the time!



Sorry to keep you, but I have another question. Are you out of things to wear? Like, literally out of clothes? You’re in luck, because here’s fucking five hundred and seven options. Though you won’t be able to wear them (whoops, you’re still out of clothes!), you can imagine them on!



That’s right. You heard me.

Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

Images via Glamour UK.