Seemingly every website does a ranking of the best Halloween candies, and Jezebel—a blog powered entirely by a cabinet full of gummies, empty gummi wrappers, and trash—has no intention of being left out of the fun.
We have ranked them from pretty good, to best of all. Here we go!
Werther’s Originals Honesty? The grandpa candies are good.
Brach’s Filled Strawberry Candy Another grandparent classic.
Twizzlers Nothing recaptures the memory of childhood like eating waxy plastic flavored by the chemical approximation of strawberries because when you were 9, that seemed delicious!
Milk Duds Personally, I love to chew for seven hours and get maximum bang for my candy buck.
Tootsie Rolls The only thing that takes longer to chew than a Milk Dud!
Junior Mints Have I ever eaten one of these in my entire life? Tough to say.
Andes Mints The Junior Mint for sophisticated adults.
Tootsie Fruit Rolls Yum yum!
Boston Baked Beans More like Boston Baked Dreams Come True, am I right?
Dum Dums Who needs a Tootsie Roll or bubblegum center? Not me!
Mary Janes My uncle lost a filling to a Mary Jane once.
Dots “Fruit” candy is my “favorite” candy.
Candy Buttons Yes, your mom definitely wants to spent the next six weeks finding candy buttons stuck to things in your house. Why would you even ask? Nothing could thrill her more!
Orange slices Real fruit is for nerds.
Justin’s Peanut Butter Cups We will not speak the name of the MAINSTREAM peanut butter cup.
Smarties Tart dust!
Necco Wafers Dusty dust! What could possibly be better?
Circus peanuts What are these even made out of? Foam insulation? Who cares! Eat like a Newsies extra and enjoy it.
Candy corn I love to eat wax!!!!!!!