But as we (hopefully) retire these old stereotypes, how can we ensure that their absence isn't going to be filled with new tropes that are equally loathsome and destructive? The only way is to MAKE UP SOME REPLACEMENT RUMORS OF OUR OWN. Here, I'll start.


Women secrete a necrotizing venom through their skin when they're non-consensually touched.

Every time a man says "friend zone," a woman gets a pixie cut.

Every time a woman gets a pixie cut, everybody gets free Doritos.

Women poop Diet Coke.

Every time a woman has to pay for her own birth control, a witch pours Game of Thrones spoilers in your ear while you sleep.


The number of sexual partners a woman has is directly proportional to the number of sexual partners a woman has.

Every time you tell a woman to smile, feminists sneak into your house and lick all your stuff.


Women are actual human beings with complex lives governed by fortune and circumstance, who cannot be defined by how they dress and what they choose to do with their genitals, whose agency and brilliance and fortitude move the world, and who—taking into account the immensity of the universe—are really more similar to men (and people of all genders) than they are different. At least, that's what my cousin's friend told me. And she's done a blowjob twice. So.

(Add your own down below! WE CONTROL THE NARRATIVE, BITCHEZ.)

Image by Jim Cooke, source images via Shutterstock.