Let's All Help Cardi B's Baby Get Some Sleep

Illustration for article titled Lets All Help Cardi Bs Baby Get Some Sleep
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Cardi B is a new mom with a new baby, and as all new moms learn way too fast, new babies do not like to stay quiet. Indeed, according to social media and Billboard, Cardi’s had to adjust to Baby Kulture’s schedule:

She also posted a parody video someone made of her and Offset bonding with their new bundle of tiny-fingered joy, along with a thank you to her fans and family for doling out some parenting tips. “It’s been a little hard for me to reply back cause this mommy job requires full day ,all day ,all night attention,” she wrote. “I love you guys.”


Kulture Kiari Cephus is only five days old, and babies that new to the world can barely open their eyes, let alone make it through the night without wailing. (Also, a fun thing I just learned from BabyCenter.com: “In the early days, your newborn’s bowel movements are thick and dark green because of meconium—a substance that was building up in her intestines while she was in the womb.” Delicious.)

Some tips for getting babies to sleep, according to The Bump, include: swaddling, room-sharing, air-conditioning, a white noise machine on a low setting, and dim lights. Some tips for getting babies to sleep, according to my high school babysitting career, include: standing outside the baby’s door praying the baby stops crying, standing over the baby’s crib and asking it to stop crying, changing the baby’s diaper and wishing you’d charged more than $15-an-hour, singing “My Heart Will Go On,” then wondering if you’ve scarred the baby forever re: references to death, jangling keys.

Even when a baby cries, you love it very much.


Goodnight to the baby!


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Three most important pieces of advice I wish someone had told me before I had my first baby:

1) Girl babies get tiny periods / lactate a little as they are withdrawing from YOUR hormones that they were getting tons of in vitro. Boy babies have comically enlarged testes, same reason. DO NOT PANIC WHEN THIS HAPPENS.

2) Unless something else is going on (underweight at birth, colic, etc.) most newborns are actually very docile for the first two weeks, until they “hatch,” “wake up,” whatever you want to call it, and at the 12-14 day mark, you will think that you broke your baby, your baby is dying, there is a demon in your baby. DO NOT PANIC WHEN THIS HAPPENS.

3) Once this happens, strap that baby into a front pack and bounce on a yoga ball while you hold one (1) dark beer in one hand and the remote control in the other and watch whatever show makes you feel safe and like your old self. I have never met a person/baby for whom this did not work.