Leonardo DiCaprio Was Never Hot

Illustration for article titled Leonardo DiCaprio Was Never Hot
TitanicTitanicAll Titanic all the time.

I was a teenager when Romeo and Juliet came out, primed by Tiger Beat and pulsing hormones to lose my mind over the next slender, hairless blue-eyed heartthrob pointed at me by Hollywood. But when I first saw Leonardo DiCaprio I felt...nothing.

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I watched him get all dressed up in a fancy suit for Rose in Titanic, and was baffled as to why this grown-looking woman with a glorious red mane was chasing a barely pubescent boy. I wouldn’t fuck Leonardo DiCaprio in a car or on a boat or in a car on a boat. He just wasn’t hot!

Illustration for article titled Leonardo DiCaprio Was Never Hot
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Illustration for article titled Leonardo DiCaprio Was Never Hot
Illustration for article titled Leonardo DiCaprio Was Never Hot
Illustration for article titled Leonardo DiCaprio Was Never Hot

This argument is not a reflection on my own level of attractiveness. I do not believe I am “hotter” than Leonardo DiCaprio, who is not hot. We say now that Leo has gotten gross, but he was always kind of gross, just marketed as a non-threatening fantasy to young girls figuring out what it even meant to want someone. It made him a star. I have been complacent with that lie since 1996, and I’ll do it no longer. I will go down with the S.S. Not A Hottie. Let the band play.

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Also, when Leonardo DiCaprio has sex with women, he wears headphones. That is the most disgusting consensual act I can imagine.

Contributing Writer, writing my first book for the Dial Press called The Lonely Hunter, follow me on Twitter @alutkin

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DISCUSSION

madeleine
Madeleine Davies

This post hurts me.