Lefties Are Having Better Sex Than Righties

Take that, gravy ladles and can openers and default mouse placement and fucking spiral notebooks and every desk except three in every college classroom I ever occupied. According to a new survey, left handers have better sex. Guess there’s something we lefties kick ass at that isn’t playing first base!

LELO’s 2014 Global Sex Survey asked 10,000 people how satisfied they were with their sex lives, and the lefty/righty divide was dramatic. A whopping 86% of lefties claim they’re “extremely satisfied” with their sex lives. Only 15% of right handed reported the same.

Why is this? There are all kinds of crackpot-sounding theories about hand dominance and sex, but one I’ve heard repeated a lot is that lefties were exposed to more testosterone in the womb and are more likely to be men. Does that influence later-in-life satisfaction with sex? Who knows. It’s Friday afternoon and I’ve got my wild speculation pants on.

The preponderance of sexually satisfied southpaws could also be explained by the fact that because everything in the goddamn world is made for right handed people, maybe they got confused for a second and clicked on the wrong thing. It happens.

But the most likely theory is likely that the survey was conducted by a commercial entity hawking a sex toy that purports to enhance the sex lives of right handed people by letting them stimulate the opposite side of their brain.

It is fittingly titled DEXTRUS and is the first sex toy that claims it will increase your sexual pleasure as well as make you smarter. Even crazier, the way it works, you could use it in front of a crowded room of people without getting sued for indecent exposure. The sex toy is shaped like a stress ball and used similarly: When the user squeezes the ball with their left-hand, vibrations are sent up the arm, stimulating the right side of the brain. This is based on findings from a study conducted last April that “test[ed] effects of unilateral hand clenching on episodic memory” and found that “left hand clenching (right hemisphere activation) pre-recall,…result[s] in superior memory.” The idea is to get right-handed people to stimulate the supposed lesser-used right side of their brain by activating the stimulating vibrations with their left hand.

Oh. Ok.

Well, it was fun while it lasted, fellow lefties. I’m going to get back to writing my last will and testament, since we also tend to die 7 years sooner than our righty counterparts.