America is a country built on grotesque combinations of foodstuffs. I mean this literally: Did you know if you dig deep enough under the soil in Iowa, you’ll find that the earth’s mantle is actually an enormous, fossilized cheeseburger crust pizza from Pizza Hut? It’s true!
So it’s confusing, and dare I say, a tad unpatriotic, that everyone is giving this lady at the U.S. Open such a hard time for dipping her chicken fingers in a cup of soda. The only way she could be celebrating Labor Day any harder would be if she she shot a bald eagle out of the sky while floating down a river on a steeply discounted mattress. Replace that tired snake on the Gadsden flag with this:
While this libertine dunks her fried food in heart attack juice, her dining companion is sucking down water and delivering what looks like a sermon on the many dangers of soda. Shut up, hippie!! Let this woman dip what she wants, when she wants to. Let her dip a hot dog in a beer! Let her dip a fried pickle in a Mai Tai! Let her dip an entire honey roasted ham in a plastic laundry tub of Fernet!
What’s the most fucked up thing you’ve ever dipped chicken in? What’s the most fucked up thing you would dip chicken in? A decade after it became passé, I still douse everything I can in ranch dressing, but I’m sure I could come up with something much worse. But I’m sleepy, so please do it for me in the comments.