Last Night's Real Housewives of New York Was a Carnival Cruise of Bad Romances

By Madeleine Davies  |  August 4, 2016 | 7:15pm
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Wednesday night’s Real Housewives of New York was part two of the women’s three episode Florida trip, and while the big cliff hanger was Bethenny’s reveal that LuAnn’s fiancé Tom has been unfaithful, the countess and her new boo’s at-risk engagement was not the only bad relationship.

The episode began on a boat and, like many a failed cruise, kept us stuck at sea surrounded by human waste for far too long. LuAnn and Tom were celebrating their engagement with their nearest and dearest (i.e. all the sad, sleazy bar flies that they were able to round up at the Blue Martini the night before). Also there, of course, were Sonja-with-a-sexy-J and Ramona, two women who’ve either slept with or dated Tom in the past.

To their credit, Ramonja (out of character for them) behaved with much more class than I ever expected them to. Both ladies congratulated the couple on getting engaged (despite LuAnn’s multiple attempts to ignore them or block them out with her magnificently broad shoulders) then scampered off to down pinot grigio, scan for the crowd for rich dick, and dance like no one was watching even though we all, in fact, were.

During the party, Ramona had a brief (albeit calculated) run-in with Tom where he quickly tried to deny the amount of dates they’d been on, the length of time that they had known each other and the circumstances under which they had met (too bad Bravo has the footage to prove Ramona at least partially right). Then, as the liquor kicked in (or perhaps he was just lost in Turtle Time), Tom breathlessly told Ramona that she smelled like grapefruit—a scent that, according to my mom, makes men think that you’re younger than you actually are. In response, Ramona—who knows EXACTLY what she’s doing—merely giggled then went to dish with Carole, wild eyes gleaming with competition and triumph.


The party closed with seeming peace—the guests devoured the saddest cake I’ve ever seen and Dorinda made speech so drunk that even past drunken Dorinda speeches would take a look at it and tell it to get its shit together—though not all was calm at the yacht club. As a new day dawned on Palm Beach, so did new drama. It’s just like the Titanic, only none of us are lucky enough to die.

LuAnn, sick—just plain SICK—over how Romana keeps going out of her way to bring up her past relationship with Tom, decides to confront her about it, but Ramona, like any good reality star, is fully prepared. Approaching Lu with a calm and condescending demeanor, Ramona pulls out newspaper clips—she brought freakin’ newspaper clips on vacation!—to prove that LuAnn has been using Ramona’s name in the press to further publicize her engagement.

But despite the scrutiny that’s put on Tom, it’s Jules’ marriage that’s the real sinking ship. While Bethenny confirmed via a text from a ~mystery person~ that Tom is still out bangin’ all the “barracudas” of the Upper East Side, there’s very little you (or the countess) can do to convince me that he and Lu aren’t in a mutually convenient open relationship with one another. You know, there’s something almost sweet about these two con artists finding their mark in each other. It’s like Bonnie and Clyde—only with less guns and more Evine.

Jules and Michael’s relationship, on the other hand, is an absolute travesty—as we see when Jules calls her husband from the boat only to discover that he’s ditched their children with his parents and gone off to frolic (probably with his mistress) in the Hamptons.

“You’re supposed to be with your children,” Jules warbles into the phone. It’s a tactical move that makes Michael—who she is currently in divorce proceedings with—look like a real asshole, though, when you consider the infidelity (and her broken vagina), who can blame her and Bravo for their ongoing smear campaign?

The Housewives are sure to get into Bethenny’s text message and Tom’s cheating more next week, so let’s save that conversation for later.

‘Til then, please consider this gif of Tom dodging LuAnn’s kiss and their overall weird lack of chemistry:

 
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