Lance Armstrong Reportedly Paid $100,000 To Rival Cyclist To Throw Race

More
terrible news out of one of the worst downfalls in sports history. According to
a story in the New York Post, Lance Armstrong (a guy we moved
from the Makes Texas Seem Cool column to the Yet Another Shitty Embarrassment
pile) reportedly gave a rival cyclist a cake box filled with $100,000 cash to
throw a race. Oh for crying out loud.

Italian
cyclist Roberto Gaggioli, 51, said Armstrong personally gave him
the money in 1993 to throw the Thrift Drug Triple Crown, a multistate race
which ended in Philadelphia.

Via the New York Post:

“He offered me a panettone [cake] as a present and wished
me a Merry Christmas. In the box there were $100,000 in small bills,”
Gaggioli told the Italian paper Corriere della Sera. “Lance said that my
team, Coors Light, had agreed to it. I understood that it had all been
decided,” he said.

While
the act is a criminal offense, a spokesperson for the Philadelphia DA said
charges would not be probably not be filed, as “the statute of limitations has most likely run out.”

People.
I cannot state this firmly enough. I strongly disagree with
the practice of defiling baked goods, especially as a way of delivering material associated with criminal acts. This is just heartbreaking. I mean. That’s maybe
something you do with a pie. Maybe. Does anyone know what
became of the poor cake? No. Because no one thinks of the innocent victims in
all this mess.

Miley Cyrus is here to free your nipples, y’all. She’s jumped aboard a campaign aptly called “Please, For the Love Of God, Don’t Let People Realize How Fucking Ridiculous Everything I Did in 2013 Is Now That Beyonce Has Obliterated The Entire Music Industry. OMG BANGERZ WTF WAS I THINKING???”

No, wait—so sorry. It’s called Free the Nipple. I kid, but the campaign is worth checking out. Via Huff Po:

The campaign was started by activists “appalled by [the] American media’s glorification of violence and repression of nudity,” and it aims to “decriminalize the female body” and “protest the backwards censorship laws in the US,” according to its Facebook page.

OK.
Click on this link. Save it in your bookmarks favorites.
Refer to it whenever you start to question “gee, what has Burt ever
really done for us here at Jezebel, tho?” [Perez Hilton]