The New York Times is reporting that presidential candidate and former amateur Chippendale Marco Rubio is a shitty driver... but not as shitty as his wife! In this weekend’s edition of the Grey Lady: “What’s The Deal With Airline Food?: A Times Investigation” and a Bill Cunningham spread entitled “White People Be Like.”

The paper of record reports that the Rubios—specifically Ms. Rubio—have had several run ins with highway patrol, an incredibly newsworthy and relevant collection of facts.

According to a search of the Miami-Dade and Duval County court dockets, the Rubios have been cited for numerous infractions over the years for incidents that included speeding, driving through red lights and careless driving. A review of records dating back to 1997 shows that the couple had a combined 17 citations: Mr. Rubio with four and his wife with 13. On four separate occasions they agreed to attend remedial driving school after a violation.

The piece goes on for around 700 more words, written by a reporter talented enough to get hired to work for the New York Times, describing Jeanette Rubio’s record as “messier,” and, for some reason, detailing the time she was caught driving 23 mph in a school zone and and how she once was pulled over in a white Cadillac and how the Rubios hired a lawyer to help them avoid paying moving violation tickets.

The New York Times has won 114 Pulitzer Prizes, more than any other newspaper.

The Rubios are based in Miami. Anybody who has ever attempted to drive in Miami knows that it’s brutal; think Mad Max: Fury Road but everybody’s tan and the war rigs are custom painted European luxury cars. That neither Marco or Jeanette have hurt anybody is, to be quite honest, about as astounding a statistical miracle as a Rubio presidency.

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