Ladies, If You Must Menstruate, Keep Your Blood To Yourself

The other night, the most disgusting thing that has ever befallen me in a bathroom happened.

I was at the annual Planned Parenthood NYC fund-raiser, listening to various bands (one frontwoman announced she had a ParaGard courtesy of PPNYC, just like I do! And she said that in her lighter moments, she refers to hers as “Mr. T”, just like I do, too!), drinking my way up to the $25 credit card minimum, and taking only the customary care necessary to keep all of my bodily fluids to myself. It was shaping up to be a fine night!

I went to the bathroom. I sat down. I reached above my line of sight, to place my cell phone on the little stainless-steel purse shelf bolted to the stall wall. As I set the phone down, I felt my hand come into contact with something. ‘Weird!’ I thought.

A few moments later, I stood up. This is what I saw. This is what I had touched. Some other cunt’s blood-streaked plastic tampon applicator! I went to an all-girls high school and I have never in my life seen something this disgusting in a bathroom. (Naturally, I Tweeted this? It seemed like the thing to do at the time.)

I remained calm. I knew what I had to do. I drew a long piece of toilet paper from the roll, and placed it over the applicator and the almost equally blood-spotted paper wrapper its former user had so thoughtfully left alongside it. I snatched up that bloody mess and dropped it in the loo. Flush.[1] It is not fucking hard to do this! And even if it were hard, it is still The Rules according to the Women’s Bathroom Social Contract that we keep our fucking vagina-blood-related personal paraphernalia to ourselves, out of others’ sight (and wingspan!). Your natural, blood-embracing body-positivity ends where my epidermis begins, et cetera. Look it up! It’s written right there, next to NO HOVERING, YOU ASSHOLE. Please. Do it for the sisterhood.

1. I have learned since that you are not supposed to flush plastic applicators. (I’ve never used them, and am thus unfamiliar with their proper care and keeping.) Exigent circumstances, sincere apologies, etc.