Kids' Breakfast Cereal Is Basically Candy

In the ongoing war against childhood obesity, manufacturers of children’s cereal are the real heroes. That is, if you’re hoping that “obesity” wins— researchers have discovered that some cereal marketed to kids contains more sugar than a candy bar.

According to a list released by the Environmental Working Group, some rugrat breakfast food contains enough sweetener to choke a pig. Or at least whip a pig into a sugar fueled frenzy that leaves his first grade teacher exhausted and frustrated at the end of the day.

Researchers at the consumer group analyzed 84 popular breakfast cereals typically marketed to kids and found that some suggested servings contain more sugar than popular sugary Sometimes Foods (or, as PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi might say, “fun-for-you-foods”). Both Post Golden Crisp and Wheaties Fuel contain more sugar than a Twinkie. Honey Nut Cheerios and forty-four others contains more sugar per serving than a serving of Chips Ahoy. But the worst offender analyzed was Kellogg’s Honey Smacks, which not only is riddled with troublesome heroin references in its marketing, it also outsugars Twinkies and Chips Ahoy and in fact is 55.6% pure-ass sweetner.

Other milk enhanced offenders include Kellogg’s Foot Loops Marshmallow, Cap’n Crunch’s OOPS! All Berries, just plain old Cap’n Crunch, and, tragically, my favorite cereal of all time, Quaker Oats Oh!s. I knew they were too delicious to be anything but dessert.

Foods are supposed to meet certain dietary requirements in order to be marketed to children, but many of the cereals researchers analyzed fell laughably short. So, the next time your child bugs you about buying Lucky Charms, do the responsible thing and feed the kid a cupcake and a shot of whisky instead.