Kids Are Taking the Tooth Fairy for Everything She's Worth

Illustration for article titled Kids Are Taking the Tooth Fairy for Everything Shes Worth

Do you know how much most kids gets for losing a tooth these days? According to a survey by Delta Dental, the Tooth Fairy leaves an average $2.42, which is a 15.2% hike from what kids were pulling in in 2011. Jesus H. Christ! These kids are running a racket.

When I was young and losing teeth, it was lucky for us to get a dollar and even that — despite this being the Clinton years — seems high considering that we were all going to keep losing teeth whether we got paid or not. What happened to the days when kids were happy with quarters and bottle caps and dried up old beans? When did our nation's youth get so good at monetizing themselves?!

Delta Dental's survey, called the Original Tooth Fairy Poll, was conducted by asking 1,200 primary caregivers how much they left under their child's pillow after they lost a tooth. Having conducted the survey annually since 1998, they were then able to go back and see how the price per tooth corresponds with the the rise and fall of Standard & Poor's 500 index. According to Delta Dental, the 15% increase in the amount left by the tooth fairy indicates that our economy is getting stronger. Oh, great. Just another ploy by Barack Obama to turn America's future voters into a bunch of flaming leftists.


Before you take an ice skate to your own teeth like Tom Hanks in Castaway with the hope of making some extra bucks, please remember that, while a child's tooth is worth about $2.42, your grownup teeth are disgusting and worthless.

Tooth fairy poll shows a 15% jump in payment to kids [LA Times]
Image via Hues/Shutterstock.

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This is a good place for my Favorite New York Moment (TM) story. I was on the train on Thanksgiving, so it was full-to-bursting with tourists who were all in great moods and excited about the parade, so pretty tolerable even though they were being tourists (letting their kids run all over the place, wrapping themselves bodily from head to toe around the pole, you know the deal). Right near me was a large midwestern family that I called the Wisconsonites in my head: 4 adults, 6 kids, two strollers, all blond, all positioned so as to block ingress and egress and holding Very Loud Conversations with each other. One of their kids was bumping into everybody in our part of the train, running from adult to adult showing them the tooth he lost at the parade, which was cute (he was very excited). He runs past us for the third time, and a kid sitting next to me reading a comic book (I'm not good at this, but he was maybe 10? Young, at any rate) looks up and says, deadpan: "It's a good thing you lost it in New York; our tooth fairy pays $20 a tooth" and goes back to his book. The look on the little kid's face was PRICELESS, but nothing compared to all the adults. He's over the moon, and they're completely cornered, and there wasn't even anyone traveling with the little comic book guy to appreciate his genius. I seriously debated waiting until Hoyt-Schermerhorn to transfer just so I could high-five that guy after the Wisconsonites disembarked.

That kid had moxy. He will never know how happy he made me.