Kelly Ripa Names Ryan Seacrest as Her New Co-Host 

I’m writing this morning’s Dirt Bag while watching Kelly Ripa running through the backstage area of her show’s set, as though late for work. “Don’t be nervous,” she’s telling me, the TV audience. “This is gonna be great.” Ripa is in such a strange mood today because she’s about to announce her new co-host LIVE on television after nearly a year of hosting solo.

Though several sites have already reported that her new host is E! daddy Ryan Seacrest, I don’t want to tell you all that definitively until the name comes out of her mouth! Oh, wait, it sounds like she’s talking about something important now. “He or she is ready to come out and start his or her new job!” The audience is screaming, I guess because they didn’t read Page Six. “Well you will,” she says slyly, “RIGHT AFTER THE BREAK!” Oh fuck this.

Now there’s a commercial for some crap. Oh! Flonase. Allergy season, am I right folks? My eyes have been a complete mess latel—and we’re back.

“AND NOW, HERE ARE KELLY RIPA AND RYAN SEACREST,” shouts the announcer, as the curtain rises to reveal Ripa and her new bud. He’s wearing a three-piece suit (probably from his own collection) and looks like a natural fit for the job.