Kate Middleton's Uterus Is Making Camilla Parker Bowles an Alcoholic

Some ludicrous story in the Globe says that the bright, sparkling English promise that is Kate Middleton's possibly-occupied womb has sent Camilla Parker Bowles straight to the bottle; she was reportedly sent to dry up in a 7-day detox retreat in Bangalore, India. Camilla and Prince Charles (the latter who has repeatedly attempted to "sabotage" Kate) are concerned that Queen Elizabeth will make Prince William the king rather than Charles if K8 produces an heir—with the help of IVF treatments from the royal gynecologist—and all of the days in the Pride Lands will be dark indeed until Simba comes back to vanquish Scar. And don't go to the Elephant Graveyard, OK? That shit is haunted as fuck.

The part about the royal gynecologist is real, though. :DDDDDDDD [Celebrity Dirty Laundry]

Country singer Trace Adkins is facing criticism on The Twitter for wearing a confederate flag earpiece for his performance at the lighting of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. He hasn't responded yet, but he'll almost certainly cite plain Southern pride over, you know, being a big fan of slavery (in his autobiography, A Personal Stand, Adkins refers to the Civil War as "The War Against Northern Aggression"). [NYDN]

Yup, he apologized, and that's how it went:

"As a proud American I object to oppression of any kind. To me, the battle flag represents remembrance of my Southern lineage-I am a descendant of Confederate soldiers who followed that flag into battle. I advocate for the preservation of America's battlefields and honest conversation about our Country's history. To those who view the flag as a symbol of racism, that was not my message and I did not intend offense."




No news here, but Michael Lohan is a bad parent. "Both [Dina] and Lindsay are in a dark place. I TOLD you exactly what would happen and YOU KNOW I was trying to get Dina on board with me for a long time, BUT especially the last two weeks. Lindsay is acting out in numerous ways because she needs us and internally she's hurt and angry! Again, it's ALL on Dina and I wish to God she would stop and resolve things with us to do the same for our children." [Radar Online]

Oh good! I guess Lindsay Lohan has been drinking two liters of vodka a day. [TMZ]


But she definitely was sober that night, protests her (probably exhausted, emotional wreck of a) lawyer. [Us Weekly]

And she may have gotten into that nightclub fight over Max George from the band The Wanted, who I'm sure is totally worth it. [Gossip Cop]



Kanye West, Lil Wayne and Diddy started busting Scott Disick's balls at a party in Miami, calling him the "little dude." Instead of shoving a pen into their necks like Joe Pesci in a Scorsese movie, he spent $15,000 on drinks for all of them and got a bunch of girls to come to the table. Which, ironically, is just the sort of overcompensating a "little dude" would do. NYDN]

Kanye West will testify in Kim Kardashian's neverending divorce case. [LA Times]


Rihanna Instagrammed a cutesy photo of herself and Chris Brown, in case any of us were still wondering about that.

Dodai: does she go "take a pic of me hugging him and make sure most of the pic is my ass"? [Bossip]


  • Francesca Eastwood has been awarded with the annual pointless title of Miss Golden Globes 2013. [E!]
  • "'I cannot tell you how embarrassing [Sacha Baron Cohen] is in social situations. To him, there's no difference between the awkward gaffes he deliberately makes as a comic, and the terrible faux pas he innocently commits as my husband.'' —Look, Isla Fisher, I like you a lot, but you married Borat. You walked into this with your eyes open. [Contact Music]
  • Vaguely Falstaffian French treasure Gerard Depardieu once again got drunk and acted like a doofus in public. [TMZ]
  • Bradley Cooper's mom wants him to settle down with me. I mean, with Zoe Saldana. [NDTV]
  • Jude Law says he's relieved to no longer be a "young pretty thing." (Now he's a slightly older pretty thing.) [News.com.au]
  • Last year Gabby Douglas almost quit gymnastics to work at Chick-fil-A! So glad she did not do that. [People]
  • MOST IMPORTANT NEWS: One of Miley Cyrus's dogs looks like a rat. [People]
  • Meryl Streep "rocked out" to a Jason Derulo song at Cipriani. [People]
  • Today's headline winner: "Jamie Oliver Made Gwyneth Paltrow Eat a Burger on a Roller Coaster." [Us Weekly]
  • Megan Fox and her husband and their kid left their house, walked around. [Us Weekly]
  • Jessica Simpson also used her legs, to walk around. [Us Weekly]
  • Claire Danes and Lena Dunham are hanging out now. [Page Six]
  • Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez blew off a family dinner to go play some arcade games. [Page Six]
  • Bono and The Edge are writing some more songs for the Broadway alligator fuckhouse that is Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark. [Page Six]
  • Hey, Dolly Parton, why do you get plastic surgery? "Because I need it... Because I am in show business. I am not a natural beauty. And I am on camera all the time. And I just always see, like if I need - Oh take one of my chins off, at least! - Or whatever. I mean, I don't go to extremes with it. I just do little bits and pieces, just to try and keep things touched up, just tweaking." I don't even care, I fucking love her. [Yahoo News]

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