Kate Middleton has, using the magical power of her female body, grown another human from a microscopic cell bundle into a fully-formed baby and today, she gave birth to a BOY. The boy, who I can say with a fair amount of certainty is not yet capable of controlling his own bowels, is third in line for the British throne. CNN says the baby weighed in at 8 lbs 6 oz.
According to a press release, mother and baby are doing just fine, and according to society, that baby is more important than you. Check back for updates.
(Casts aside frilly homemade BABY GIRL princess dress in disgust.)
UPDATE: According to Royalist, the baby was born at 4:24 pm local time which means that I’ve determined, USING MATH, that the tiny little Prince has been on earth for SEVERAL FUCKING HOURS now and I’ve been staring at a livestream of a hospital door like a FUCKING IDIOT for NO GODDAMN REASON.
UPDATE 2: CNN is reporting that it wasn’t a Caesarean Section.
UPDATE 3: Victoria Arbiter, a contributor for CNN on the “royals” beat, just complimented Kate’s expert royal-ness, as she “did well” to deliver a boy on her “first try.” Ooooyyyyy.
UPDATE 4:
UPDATE 5: Until we know THE ROYAL BABY’s name, ABC is telling us that we should call him Baby Cambridge. Obey ABC, readers. Obey.
UPDATE 6: Prince William reports that his wife was squeezing the hell out of his hand during labor. Pour one out for Prince William’s hand, all you mothers who understand just how much it can hurt to have your hand squeezed. Oops- that’s actually a parody website. You Brits with your dry senses of humor; I can never tell when you’re kidding!
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