Justin Bieber's Tattoos Documented by the Miami PD: A Visual Analysis

The Miami Beach Police Department has released images documenting all of Justin Bieber’s tattoos — taken when he was in custody on January 23. What are these mysterious symbols and what do they all mean? Within, a primer.

The uninitiated might think that feline head is a tiger. But it is actually a stray cat, representing Bieber’s deep abiding love for yowling in alleys and rifling through garbage. The owl represents Bieber’s deepest fear: That someday the public will hear his name and ask, “Who? Who?” Near the wrist, what looks a little like a winged angel is actually a rendering of Diana from V.

My covenmate Callie declared this to be an angry radish, and thus it is so. The “LOVE” letters stand for “Lusting Over Vegetables Everyday.”

This illustration is the top of a soda bottle that’s been ripped off. A bottleneck, if you will. A bottleneck is when “the performance or capacity of an entire system is severely limited by a single component.” That component is Justin Bieber. He gets in his own way. This is a very deep tattoo.

The ACME anvil. Somedays you’re the roadrunner. Some days you’re the coyote.

You’ve heard the expression “wet behind the ears.” Meaning new, inexperienced, just out of the womb and not yet dried off. In a witty malapropism, this treble clef is Justin Bieber’s way of saying he is “trouble behind the ears.” Droll.

Not many people know this, but in order to become a pop star, there are many hoops to jump through, tests to pass and requirements to fulfill. Getting a poorly-kerned Bible quote in a cringeworthy font is just one.

Tribute to the 1939 test pattern? Or… um… next.

A rebus! “I believe the TV show Castle is about a knight pulling a sword from a mound of mashed potatoes while a wet bowling ball is tied to a cross with barbed wire.”

Broken railroad tracks, symbolizing that the singer has lost his train of thought.

These are the hands of the American people, begging Justin Bieber to stop. Please.