You may best remember Pattie Mallette, the woman who gave birth to pop music antichrist Justin Bieber, for appearing on Today and imagining an alternate universe in which she had an abortion at 17, Justin Bieber was never born, and some other tween music icon was taking up shelf space in popular culture. What if instead of Justin Bieber the world got a 16-year-old Scandinavian boy named Erik Arnülfgrshndrtgrtn? How then could we ever hope to come up with an easily deployable slant rhyme like “Bieber fever” to show just how deeply Erik has infected us all with his catchy tunes?
Mallette is an executive producer on an upcoming (mark your calendars!!) anti-abortion film called Crescendo, which will presumably make use of the alternate-timeline argument over the course of its modest running time. On Feb. 28, the movie will go gallivanting off on a worldwide screening tour that the filmmakers hope will raise $10 million for pregnancy centers. Blergh. Mallette will be the on-duty “celebrity” at some of these screenings, where she’ll tell audiences something to the effect of, “Abortion deprives pregnant women of their maternal right to profit off of their fetus’ future music careers.” [AP]
- Speaking of Justin Bieber, sometime on Sunday, expect the unaborted pop star to surpass Lady Gaga as the most followed Twitter personage. [CNN]
- More good news for Biebs! After narrowly escaping his mother’s uterus, recording lots of music, and becoming the Emperor of Twitter, the singer will also be unburdened of a lingering legal dilemma. A woman claiming she suffered permanent ear drum damage at a Bieber concert has asked that her $9-million lawsuit be withdrawn. [TMZ]
- According to loving paramour Scott Disick, Kourtney Kardashian smelled awful because she stopped using deodorant during her last pregnancy, but that probably didn’t bother you because you only know Kourtney as a sometime-pregnant collection of pixels that appears on TV to remind you that your career is a cruel joke. [Daily Mail]
- While he was tripping balls at Joshua Tree, a biologist met a spider named Bono who could play four guitars at once and talk about social activism without sounding like a bag of dog shit being savaged by horseflies. [AP]
- Meanwhile, in our nation’s capital, Eva Longoria is quickly becoming the next Bono. [WSJ]
- Glee star Mark Salling is being sued by a woman who claimed he forced her to have sex with him sans condom. Salling’s publicist has said that none of this happened and characterized the accuser as a “disgruntled girl looking to cash in on a TV star’s success.” In other news, Mark Salling is a successful television actor. [TMZ]
- How will bamboozled Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o ever regain his trust in humanity? By watching Dirty Rotten Scoundrels over and over again until he sees the humor in the con game. [TMZ]
- LeAnn Rimes “gives” — as in, makes a present of as if it were a fatted calf — Eddie Cibrian sex pretty much “whenever he wants it.” [Us]
- How the mighty have fallen from Olympus on high — Linda Hogan has been charged with a DUI. [TMZ]
- Pretty much nobody watched part one of Oprah‘s interview with Lance Armstrong because Lance Armstrong hasn’t been relevant since his Dodgeball cameo in 2004 during the summer of love. [NY Post]
- Though that irrelevance hasn’t stopped J.J. Abrams from producing a Lance Armstrong biopic, which ought to star Billy Crudup, an actor in desperate need of an endurance-athlete-biopic comeback . [CBS]
- The most pathetic revelation in today’s New York Times profile of shameless chucklemonger Dane Cook? “Other comics are as desperate for success as Mr. Cook, but they hide it better.” [NY Times
- Emma Stone wore an ugly bra and our polar ice caps have the consistency of Flintstones push-pops. Which of these phenomena troubles you more? [W]
- Call in the roller of big cigars — movie rental stores are dead and life has lost its meaning. [BBC]