Just weeks after the explosive public make-out in Domino Park, Brooklyn, NY, TMZ’s eyewitnesses report that cool kids on permanent senioritis Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin are engaged. Her dad Stephen Baldwin confirmed the news in a congratulatory tweet. Because I am a liberal pervert slut who lives for Monday morning hate mail, I believe this is an excellent case for five-way marriage.
Ever since Baldwin tweeted a video of Bella Hadid on January 31, 2017, declaring that “literally nobody” is cuter than Hadid, Hailey Baldwin, Bella Hadid, The Weeknd, Selena Gomez, and Justin Bieber have been engulfed in the flames of passion, destiny, star-crossed love, and frienemyhood, churning out a slew of pop singles and tabloid covers and Instagram beefs which could be easily quashed, if they’d be cool with it. Here is a corkboard-and-string diagram of the overlapping Hadid-Weeknd-Gomez-Bieber-Baldwin relationships, also known as Hadwegobiebwin, to me, PROVING why a relationship merger would be in everybody’s best interests:
It’s 2010. He is the voice of an angel in the body of a golden retriever puppy, and she is a Disney princess. The teen doo-wop hit “Baby” has been playing in every grocery store on every continent on the planet since January. TMZ posts photos of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez meeting for what is now considered to be a first date at a Philadelphia IHOP (a theme). Just-friends hand-holding carries on until 2011, when Gomez told Seventeen: “I don’t like hiding. I do like to keep certain things to myself, but at the end of the day, I’m 18 and I’m going to fall in love. I’m going to hang out with people and I’m going to explore myself, and I’m okay with that.”
The public observes no-tongue kissing throughout the year. Engagement rumors circulate circa September 2012, when Gomez is seen carrying the marital advice book The 5 Languages of Love: The Secret to Love That Lasts.
It is not a love that lasts.
They get back together twice, once in September 2014 and again from November 2017 - March 2018, which inspires an estimated 18 songs over the years.
In February 2011, 14-year-old Hailey Baldwin’s dad takes her to a Justin Bieber concert.
In 2014, Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin go on vacation together, but he writes on Instagram that he is “super single.”
In April 2015, Justin posts a video of Hailey hula-hooping at Target, and Selena likes it on Instagram.
Hailey Baldwin kisses the back of Justin’s neck on Instagram on New Year’s 2016.
They don’t talk for a while.
In May 2018, Hailey Baldwin mentions out of the blue that she and Justin have gotten over “weirdness.”
They have maintained a years-long healthy, stable relationship.
In a parallel public realm, in April 2015, then-19-year-old Victoria’s Secret angel Bella Hadid and entertainer The Weeknd “really click” at Coachella.
They appear at various fashion and red carpet events. When asked by the New York Times whether he is “in love,” he says, “I don’t know, to be honest with you. I don’t think so. Maybe. It’s no, it’s yes, it’s maybe.”
When asked about the fact that Bella Hadid is training for the Olympics, he tells Rolling Stone that he’d “heard about that” and “I’ve never seen her [ride horses], but word on the street is she’s bangin’ at it.”
When asked how they got together, he tells Rolling Stone he was initially strictly interested in “work.”
They are inseparable.
In December 2015, Hadid appears in his video for In the Night.
Hadid gets a puppy.
All hell breaks loose.
Following a string of Instagram trips and red carpet appearances, they break up in November 2016 but they soon prove that they are mature and cool-headed about it as he performs on the Victoria’s Secret runway while she walks. She captions the Instagram photo: “I was smiling SO HUGE on the inside I promise!!!!”
All of that goes to shit on January 7th, 2017, when tempest Selena Gomez unfollows over 279 Instagram accounts–including her friend Gigi, sister of Bella. Four days later, TMZ reports that Selena Gomez was seen making out with The Weeknd with the subhead “Awkward Much?”
Bella Hadid’s best friend Hailey Baldwin fires a torpedo at Gomez, tweeting that “literally nobody” is cuter than Bella Hadid. Nobody.
Except maybe Hailey Baldwin, keep in mind for later.
Bella Hadid unfollows Selena on Instagram.
In February 2017, Bella professes her love for The Weeknd. Justin disses The Weeknd and sits out the Grammys where The Weeknd performs. The Weeknd releases Some Way including the lyric “I think your girl, think your girl, fell in love with me/She say my fuck, and my tongue game a remedy.”
In April 2017, Selena Gomez makes it official and posts a photo with The Weeknd at Coachella (a theme, FOCUS) saying they were “made for each other.”
Bella Hadid unfollows The Weeknd on Instagram.
Gomez comes out with a new single In Her Element, featuring The Weeknd. They go to Disneyland and Soho.
Selena gets a puppy.
All hell breaks loose.
On October 30th, 2017, Selena and The Weeknd break up due to “conflicting schedules.” On October 31st, 2017, photos emerge of Selena and Justin eating breakfast at JOi Cafe.
The Weeknd unfollows Selena on Instagram.
Justin and Selena ride bikes and go to church, and she comes to Justin’s hockey game.
In February 2018, Selena signals that something is seriously wrong: Selena goes to IHOP alone. Soon follow reports of a “break,” E! News announces in March 2018 that Selena and Justin are “moving on.”
That month, Selena unfollows everybody on Instagram again.
In April 2018, Justin reportedly misses Selena.
The Weeknd cries onstage at Coachella singing a song which is thought to be about Selena from his album My Dear Melancholy which is thought to be about Selena. Hadid is present. Hadid gets a song, too.
Eight years have passed. Actually, People says we should have seen it coming all along.
And now they are getting married.
Just to each other.