Just Fuck Already

Chad Johnson and Michelle Williams spoke about as candidly as they could on the subject of them not fucking, in a recent interview with the Breakfast Club. Even though Williams brought it up and not Charlamagne da God, the couple seemed to get a little defensive about it. “The struggle is all the way real,” Williams said, before listing off a list of traits that make Johnson attractive. “Everything works in my life. Nothing is malfunctioning. It’s real. Our love is real,” Johnson said, an obvious reference to his dick, and assertion that it still gets hard, even if he and Williams aren’t having intercourse. “The attraction is real.”

Williams then immediately joked that she couldn’t hug Johnson without getting turned out. But was it a joke?

Here’s what I think: Just have sex. It’s fine! I think that if two consenting adults are engaged to be married, and saving themselves for marriage, the waiting period is purely symbolic, and if you two are so horny that you can’t even talk about your abstinence without talking about how much you wanna bone already, just do it. You’re both adults. You both want it. You’ve both already demonstrated your commitment to each other and your everlasting bond. Don’t wait. Do it now. You deserve it! You found your soulmate in a world full of weirdos and losers, and if you can’t at least get in one celebratory bone, what’s the point?

You don’t even got to tell nobody. It’s none of their business. It’s between y’all (and I guess, God, since Johnson is a pastor, but honestly, I think God has bigger shit to worry about, especially right now) and no one else.

So talk about it. Think about it. What’s marriage if nothing but a piece of paper? You don’t need a piece of paper to give you permission to get it on. And I’m sure you probably don’t need me to tell you that, but I’m telling you, just in case you did.