June Cosmopolitan Says Quit Your Bitching

With teen bad girl du jour Blair Waldorf on the cover, Cosmo editors set out to add a dose of high school bitchiness to the June issue. Too bad they forgot their mission after writing the cover lies.

This month’s issue was so comparatively tame we’re wondering if it was penned by the Seventeen readers Gossip Girl is actually aimed at. Leighton Meester‘s profile notes in the headline that she’s “not really a bitch.” Reassuring us that she’s a “good girl” in real life is a total teen mag move, and frankly, we enjoy Meester’s teen series forerunner Shannen Doherty more because we know she’s as bitchy off-screen as she was on 90210. This month’s sex advice was also more taint-free than usual. Basically, if you prolong sex, you’ll stay aroused for a longer period of time. The mag says this is how people achieve a one-hour orgasm, but quickly squashes readers’ hopes by explaining that won’t actually happen. In “Recession-Proof Your Love,” we learn that “a guy’s self-worth is often directly tied to his ability to earn big,” so we should be sweeter and less demanding of pricey dinners if he loses his job. Finally, an article reveals that it freaks men out when you “try to be sneaky,” “when you’re jealous,” or “when you’re downright crazy.” Below, we take a look at the various ways this month’s Cosmo recommends taming our inner Blair.