John Oliver Provides Helpful Back to School Rundown of Everything Students Won't Learn

Illustration for article titled John Oliver Provides Helpful Back to School Rundown of Everything Students Wont Learn

John Oliver briefly returned from Last Week Tonight’s summer vacation to provide a little back to school video, one that outlines everything students will not be taught in the upcoming year. Chief among them: Warren G. Harding nicknamed his penis “Jerry,” and European explorers and colonists were actually “genocidal lunatics.”


Oliver , after correctly noting that Harding had a “spectacular” sex life, went class by class: “You will also learn that Africa and Asia are places,” he noted, “But that’s about it. You will leave school knowing as much about those two continents as I know about actor Penn Badgley: You’ll know it’s something that exists in the world, but you won’t be able to give any facts about it, other than the general shape.”

Oliver also debuted a handy Spark Notes-esque invention to aid with English classes, titled“John Oliver’s Guide to Everyone Who Dies at the End.” That’d be Lennie in Of Mice and Men, both Romeo and Juliet, most of the main characters in the Great Gatsby, and, invariably, the American Dream. Just say something about the American Dream and you’ll be fine.


“You’ve basically just graduated your high school year,” Oliver declares. That’s actually giving most high schools slightly too much credit.

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woodle for hillary

We dissected sharks in 7th grade. I remember what it smelled like, what it was like to cut the skin away from the fat, and I remember the claspers. That is it.

My advice to kids? Become a vegetarian, say you can’t dissect, etc. due to animal cruelty, and get to do a flower collection instead of a bug collection in 9th grade biology. The more you know.