John Kelly Is Desperately Trying to Keep Donald Trump From Knowing Anything

Image via Getty.
Image via Getty.

President Donald Trump’s newly appointed Chief of Staff, General John Kelly, is reportedly trying to plug all the holes in the Oval Office to keep snakes from whispering information in Trump’s ear. From now on, the president will only be receiving very simple, vetted material on which to base his decisions, when he’s not engaging in structured activities.


Politico reports that since Steve Bannon was ousted, Kelly and White House staff secretary Rob Porter have been making efforts to keep others like him from going straight to Trump with bad ideas for executive orders. The changes are meant to curb the onslaught of EOs we were blasted with just after Trump’s inauguration, because all decision-making will basically be vetted by an entire team before it makes it to his desk. That doesn’t mean it will be less heinous, just less confusing for a man with the attention span of a senile goldfish:

“Gen. Kelly is instilling processes to ensure that the president has the information and analysis he needs to make decisions,” said White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “The White House staff will continue to support the president by ensuring that the policy options presented to him reflect all relevant viewpoints, including any dissenting views.”

During Barack Obama’s time in office, the former president would receive briefing books from his staff secretary on policy decisions, filled with competing viewpoints, for him to study in the evening. In contrast, under the new Kelly-Porter reforms, Trump will be receiving a “decision memo” containing all key information that has been thoroughly reviewed. Memo is the keyword, I think.

Kelly is also regulating Trump’s social schedule. Meetings with the president will now be dependent on a guest list, since in the past his many advisors have had a habit of swinging in and out of the office anytime they like. One White House aide told Politico that from now on, “If you’re not on the list, you can’t get into the meeting.” But how will they keep Trump from buddying around with mind-clouding freaks during his oceans of free time? Sounds like Kelly is trying to stop that too:

He[Kelly] has tasked deputy chiefs of staff Rick Dearborn and Joe Hagin with bringing some order to the president’s schedule, pushing them to plan events further in advance and to include one public-facing event each day and one travel event each week, according to a senior White House aide.

Sure. Because there’s one thing Donald Trump responds well to, and that’s people telling him what to do. Now Kelly just needs to monitor his TV time, and we may get through another four months.

Contributing Writer, writing my first book for the Dial Press called The Lonely Hunter, follow me on Twitter @alutkin



At this point, I’d legit settle for this (very good) dog as president.